Director General's blog

Friday, 30 July 2010

As I emerged from the car park at Nantwich I faced two traffic control stewards. One was enthusiastically waving me forward, the other was firmly telling me to stop. Uhuh, I thought. There must be a Ferrari behind me being waved through to the front. But then I thought a cheesemaker in a Ferrari? You’re having a laugh!

Still going through my mind was my meeting the day before with executives from Friends of the Earth. They had told me to forget about all the good things that supermarkets had done for elite farmers with contracts, product innovations and integrated supply chains etc. It was on the treatment of the common famer supplying commodity cheese that the industry should be judged. OK, so what better place to make this judgement than Nantwich (unfortunately, pre-billed as the World Cup of cheese awards, thereby automatically putting the kiss of death on any entrants for England, I mused).

I found the mood of the cheese industry at Nantwich a mixture of glowing smiles and worried frowns, not unlike a gladiatorial forum where the winners eat up the losers. Is the divergence between the winners and losers in the cheese industry becoming more apparent I wondered? Well, not if my mate Cheesy Peasy is anything to go by. I had the privilege of sitting next to this northern buzz bomb at lunch. Cheesy is the ultimate tonic. ‘So little time, so many people to meet,’ he breezed’. ‘Only 24 hours in a day, it’s just not enough,’ he continued. Cheesy and I had shared a platform at a conference in Cheshire last month. He had been asked to speak about what goes through the mind of a supermarket supplier. His first slide identified four things – women, football, fast cars, and beer. ‘Why did you think it would it be any different for me,‘ he told the audience.

In terms of defining technical product excellence, Nantwich has no equal. A total of 3,200 cheeses are up for prizes, and more than 900 of them leave with prestigious gongs. One creamery - Taw Valley in Devon - won UK Supreme Champion that’s among 34 awards including 17 golds. What an incredible stash. In my view, cheesemaking should be an Olympic sport, and the cheesemaker at Taw Valley should start to receive lottery funding immediately. Incidentally, in passing, I trust you all responded to Lord Coe’s plea this week for volunteers for the Olympics. My wife nominated me as a sandpit for the long jump, so that the competitors would always have a nice soft landing!

But listen. I wonder if anyone at Nantwich has thought about extending the awards beyond technical excellence and marketing. What about awards for leading price initiatives with customers, margin and profitability, export penetration, best premium/commodity ratio, adding value beyond the commodity return, and milk price returned to the farmer. Let’s be honest, it’s the technical excellence that drives the margin. So in this modern world of measuring outputs rather than processes, if you’re a cheesemaker, wouldn’t you be just as proud if you were crowned the 2011 Supreme Champion for delivering the highest margin to your company and highest milk price to your farmers? You wouldn’t even need a cheese iron to work it out.

At Nantwich, we shared a stand with the British Cheese Board. Before I left I asked the nice leady from Kindred, the BCB’s PR advisors, for a piece of cheese to take home to my wife. She gave me a 20g portion pack of cheddar. She clearly knew better than me what every woman wants. Hey, what the hell. Small can be big, eh?

There were so many entries at Nantwich that the judging for the Supreme Champion took an inordinately long time, and I personally missed the traditional tea and fruit cake as a result. In the end, the top prize went to a parmesan cheese from Italy. It was made by a company called Ferrari Dairy. Now about that incident in the car park...

Friday, 23 July 2010

This week I’ve wrestled the reins of the blog from the DG, who is relishing the chance to recharge his creative batteries. To my certain knowledge, I’m the only person to have guest edited the blog more than once. This tells you much about the DG’s iron grip on the workplace. We all know the Queen Bee, Fergus the Green and Alexander the Great. But what of Auld Bluenose himself? The Dear Leader? Paulo Nutini’s London Agent? Well you hear enough from him each week, so I’ll move quickly on.

Will I use this opportunity to talk about the emasculation of the FSA this week? Big issues such as this week’s CAP conference or the launch of yet another report urging people to eat less meat and dairy? Well, yes – I’ve just mentioned them. But what I’m more keen to talk about is the fact I’ve got just seven more days as Communications Director of Dairy UK, and as the last few weeks have involved a seemingly endless series of handover lunches with key journalists and contacts, I wonder why on earth I’m going. Of course, it’s not got anything to do with the job. Or the people. All of which has been great fun.

It’s all to do with my long-term dream of sailing to the Caribbean and back. Now, we’re not doing it in a pea-green boat, although I suspect Mrs F. may have relished being described as a ‘Pussy Cat bride’ in last week’s column. But when I tell people that we’ll be spending the next 13 months of our lives in a space that measures just 10m long by 3 wide and pitches about in all directions, people tend to react in one of two ways. You’ve got those who smile wistfully and say ‘what fun – have a great time’. Then you’ve got the other, largely male group who ask: ‘And this is just you and your wife, eh? We’ll see you in a couple of weeks then!’

In a vain effort to add a note of worthiness to what would otherwise be a year of stolid self indulgence, we’ve decided to raise money for a good cause. No, not the Seaman’s Rum Fund; nor the Former Pirate’s Benevolent Institution. Since we’ll be spending a year on the high seas, we’re hoping to build up a donation to the Marine Conservation Society, which does almost exactly what it says on the tin. We hope to raise a pound for every mile we cover. Don’t worry, Jim, that’s the more generous nautical mile – but we should cover some 10,000 of them over the year. If you want to keep up with our tally of miles (and pounds), you can follow our progress on http://blog.mailasail.com/summersong course, it won’t all be fresh mackerel and copious grog. There’ll be thunderstorms, tidal waves and even, as one unlucky South African couple discovered this week, balletic whales landing on the foredeck. And I’ll miss the great characters I’ve met in the job – from colleagues at Milk HQ in London to roundsmen in Wigan. I’ll try and keep a stiff upper lip, though, as we tuck into lobster and cool beers on a deserted beach. But above all, I wish you and the dairy industry all plain sailing.

Friday, 16 July 2010

St Swithin's day is always staggeringly memorable. Firstly it always rains. But more significantly it usually marks the start of the British Open Golf Championship - I’ll be in St Andrews at the weekend roaring on Rory. Last time I was there for the Open, I recall a Japanese journalist describing it as ‘a glamorous event’, but why didn’t they hold it in the summer?

On St Swithin’s day in London, I had as much fun as it’s possible to have under an umbrella. The last ever National Dairy Benevolent Institution lunch took place at The Farmers’ Club. I always like to strike a blow against the establishment by not wearing a tie at The Famers’ Club. Once, memorably, I smuggled the great ATG in Bermuda shirt, shorts and flip flops right through to the terrace without detection. This time, I got as far as former DTF President Bryan Smith who reminded me that the lunch was only for people who were fully dressed.

I sat next to the charity’s accountant who was absolutely charming but I began to get a bit alarmed as he progressively revealed his intimate and in depth knowledge of global casinos. Why was this the last NDBI lunch I wondered? I’ve been in tight circumstances before but I’ve never been shoe horned in like we were around that lunch table. I prayed for the comforting environment of a sardine in a tin. It was only possible for every second person to lean forward to get the food from their plate at any one time.  So we had to work out and stick to a fairly well disciplined seesaw arrangement that allowed us to complete our meals. I had to leave some green beans on my plate. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to eat them, it was that I couldn’t physically reach them.

I left the lunch and headed for what turned out to the highlight of the week – the Dairy UK engagement with Fonterra Chairman Henry van der Heyden. I’ve never seen Henry in better form. He has finally got his capital restructuring programme on an 80% vote with 90% support. So he’s now got funds to expand. His Government has done a free trade deal with China, opening up even greater access for him to this vast growing market (10% increase in GNP this year). And, with a smirk, he reflects that his country has water to sustain the growth in production. Not everyone can say that. His farmers know how to handle volatile markets, while we are still on a learning curve, and his controversial auction is going from strength to strength. We talked about Fonterra’s corporate structure and the dedicated governance development programme for those who aspire to be Fonterra farmer directors. This starts with a two hour interview, whose transcript is published on the website. And Sir Henry has a devastatingly simple way of communicating with every Fonterra producer on a weekly basis. His phone number is available to all, and how many calls per year does he get from his members? The average is around five! The Chairman and CEOs at our meeting turned green with envy.

Afterwards, the now celebrated New Zealand reception on the 18th floor of NZ House was entertaining and revealing. I panicked for a moment when I saw England’s number one football fan Ian Potter out on the terrace, alone, staring out into the abyss. Oh no, I thought. He wouldn’t. It’s only a game. So I rushed out, put a comforting arm around his shoulder, and tried to persuade him to sign a legacy form so that all his worldly goods would be passed across to the Tartan Army “Old Mother Hubbard” trophy cabinet fund. He smiled, and promptly turned the form into a paper aeroplane. Together we watched it, symbolically, like all England fans collectively, come slowly down to earth.

Afterwards we had an impromptu birthday party for Welshie from Defra. We went to the ‘Scottish’ bar called The Albannach in Trafalgar Square. Somebody asked me what ‘albannach’ meant. I said it was a Gaelic word which meant ‘same drinks as everywhere else but at four times the price’. Welshie impressed us all by chatting up the waiter in Italian. His reply to everything she said was ‘fantastico’. I have no idea what fantastico means, But I guessed from her expression that she wasn’t asking him for an extra dash of lime in her lager! Happy birthday, Welshie from all at Dairy UK. The card is in the post.

Finally, it’s now only a couple of weeks until Curly the owl and his pussy cat bride set off on the high seas over the horizon to Tierra Del Fuego and all points west. As you can image, I spend a lot of my time at industry hooleys telling people how Curly is. They are delighted when I tell them that the captain’s hat he now wears to the office is not because of his affection for the Village People. However at NZ House, I learned from a well-wisher that as part of his trip he is planning to seek sponsorship for some animal charities. I am happy to pass on this information via this column to all of you as a means of boosting the fund. Personally, the only animal sponsorship I get involved in is my season ticket for Rangers FC. Yes, it’s a hefty commitment, but it’s a cross that I am perennially willing to bear.

Friday, 9 July 2010

Think for a minute – where in the world are you at your happiest alone? For me, it could be O’Reilly’s bar across from The Bourse in Brussels on big match night. I watched the Netherlands slay Uruguay there on Tuesday night. Quite alone, except for 150,000 Dutchmen – every one dressed as though they’d come straight from a windmill. The size of the crowd presented logistical difficulties in getting to the bar. No problem, I simply went to the dull, quiet bar next door and brought the drinks back to O’Reilly’s (an old trick). Peter and Heidi, my new friends from Amsterdam, co-operated by keeping my seat all night.

Earlier in the day, I’d been to the Dairy Supply Chain Forum meeting in London - the first presided over by new Food Minister, Jim Paice. Jim had complicated things in advance by exercising a cull of attendees. Good idea, I thought. Start off with the industry, and then move on to the badgers! In principle, it was supposed to be one per organisation, but a quick scan round the room revealed that the farming organisations can’t count. I wondered how they’d got round Welshie from Defra who was scorekeeper and enforcer. It was she who drew my attention to the innovative approach adopted by my resourceful colleagues from our dairy levy body. Their CEO attended as the representative of DairyCo, and their Chairman attended on behalf of Dairy Co. The name plates were clearly different. Mind the gap or what? Can you spot the difference? Welshie could, and she takes the minutes. So that was that.

Jim seemed disappointed with the relatively subdued responses of the delegates. But it was his fault. Not only does he understand his portfolio, back to front, but you get the impression that he agrees with some of the points being made to him by the lobbyists. That’s really unsettling for a lobbyist. You don’t expect Ministers to say, you’re right. Where do you go then? In his short introductory remarks, he reeled off support for many of the points that the lobbyists were about to try and persuade him on. So of course it was subdued - no-one had anything left to say!

This week saw the planned exit of Alan Wiseman as Chairman of RWD Ltd. And so departs the man who, more than anyone else, put the capital “V” in vision for the British dairy industry. No mean achievement for someone who feels as comfortable at his US base in Las Vegas, Nevada, as he does tending his beloved cactus plants at home in Hamilton. You might think it odd that a man from Hamilton looks after cactus plants for a hobby, but it’s no real surprise to me. It hones your skills perfectly for dealing with prickly situations.

These skills I remember were essential in the early days of the Wiseman business. Alan spotted a wealth of talent in the socially deprived Glasgow housing schemes. Highly intelligent kids with no real chance of making it because of their circumstances were employed in the business, and he stuck with them through their “difficult” years until the payback came later as their natural talents were successfully deployed in the growth of the company. He did simple things to reinforce staff commitment. For example, he got the Wiseman share price published in the Scottish Daily Record, the paper the staff read, even if the city investors didn’t. Later, through a programme of acquiring small dairy businesses in Scotland, he not only took over the companies but he retained the entrepreneurs within them, and used their talents for the rapidly expanding company. Dairy Council Chairman, The Great Alexander, often revered as a celebrity in this column, is a classic example of this.

Alan was the leading instigator of one trip packaging for milk in the UK after an SDT trip to the States to look at how supermarkets worked. Look where that has ended up. And of course, when the MMB era was ending just as his company was becoming a plc, he was the first to recognise that the now incomprehensible policy implemented by the MMBs of charging the same price to buyers, irrespective of where your factory was, would rapidly disappear. So the new Wiseman factories went from the towns into the milk fields, and it’s worked like that ever since .

All of this would have potentially been lost to the industry if he’d followed his intended career path. He wanted to be a pilot. If he’d been two inches taller, he’d have achieved it. British Airways’ loss has, for 40 years, been the British dairy industry’s gain.

Friday, 2 July 2010

Dairy UK had the Government and a few friends round for supper this week at the Riverbank Park Plaza hotel in London. Swanky I’d call it. But it made a nice change for those of us more accustomed to eating in pubs offering two for one meal deals. It was a good do, and I’m told that from the body of the hall, the speakers had a halo effect around them against the backdrop of the sun setting over the River Thames. I liked this. It’s nice to be considered angelic.

Late in the evening, I received word that the DairyCo hockey XI were sponsoring a ‘kick on‘ drinks party on Thamesis, a floating bar moored on the river right across from the hotel. I hesitated. Should I put myself in the Cannon Ball firing line again? Oh, well perhaps just for one!

Thamesis is a bar designed for a haggis. She sits on the mudbank at a permanent 45 degree angle. Anyone with one leg shorter than the other has a clear advantage in getting to the bar first. It was there that I became re-acquainted for the second time in a month (and in a lifetime, actually) with a Corona beer. The barman had squashed some green fruit down the bottleneck. I didn’t recognize it, because as you know, Scotsmen don’t eat fruit. I turned to the Queen Bee, who was lurking behind me. She said if you finish that one, and then have another four, you’ll have met your five-a-day quota!

This was a hugely tempting prospect, but uppermost in my mind was the 4.30am start for my journey the next day to meet the sons of Llywelyn at Gelli Aur near Carmarthen. I know that this would be considered a lie-in for most of my farmer friends, but they’re made of stronger stuff. I headed for the exit via the poop deck where I met a posse of bravados from two of Britain’s biggest dairy companies. They were rapt in intellectual debate on the burning issues of the day. Does Steve Gerrard’s wife actually have a sister? Where do you put your England flag now they’re out? These are important issues and I have strong opinions on them. But I wasn’t consulted, so I left.

Gelli Aur is strategically located so that by the time anyone gets there, they’re completely knackered. So right away, the locals always have home advantage. Tim Bennett always wants to have meetings there. He lives two miles down the road! I love going to rural Wales. Everyone comes at you from left field. I met a wonderfully exuberant lady, who had undertaken a lifetime of innovative business ventures. I asked her why she’d become a cheesemaker. “Divorce”, she said. I re-engaged with the great Terrig Morgan, the Nelson Mandela of Welsh dairy farming, and still promoting the cause with undiminished  spirit and vigour. After the opening of the new Dairy Supply Chain Efficiencies project by Rural Affairs Minister Elin Jones, I was scheduled to give a presentation to the Welsh Strategy Group which Terrig chairs. I asked him how much time did he want for presentation and how much time for argument. He said “oh boy bach, we know what you’re going to say. Let’s just go straight in to the argument!” It’s my lifetime ambition to make Terrig happy. Jointly, we’ve made others happy in our day. In front of a slightly bewildered Elin Jones I said to him “ One day Terrig, the milk price is going to be so high that you’re gonna turn to me and say here Jim. Take some of this back. You need it more than me.” Terrig smiled and said “the only time I’d ever do that is if you wanted the money to buy my farm.”

As I listened to UK Food Minister Jim Paice in the posh Riverbank Park Plaza, and then in speaking to Elin Jones in the rustic canteen at Gelli Aur, I could detect striking similarities. Both are immensely popular in their roles. Both have the support of agriculture and the respect of all the stakeholders in the food industry. Both are placing TB at the centre of their political agendas. I sincerely hope that their determination on this single issue, with all its pitfalls, will not undermine their effectiveness in dealing with the food agenda in the round. In many ways, Jim’s task will be made much easier if Elin succeeds. She has started the process of badger culling first, but may be sidetracked on a technicality. I sincerely hope she succeeds.

Somehow, this and the other issue that dominated the discussion at the Welsh Strategy Group meeting viz large scale farming and in particular 24 hour housed production systems have moved right to the front of dairy’s public agenda. Our PR has to be spot on, and proactive.

As I returned from Wales, I took a call about Dairy UK’s conference at the Dairy Event in September. I reflected wistfully that by accident or design, even the RABDF has taken us out of the public gaze in the fields and meadows of Stoneleigh, and will be housing us inside for the duration in Birmingham. The trend is clear, and I think unstoppable.

Friday, 25 June 2010

This time I can honestly say that I was there. Yes, I was there at the Wimbledon marathon tennis match. Did you see them come off the court? Legs like jelly? I was exactly the same, except that my condition had been caused by having to pay for a punnet of strawberries and cream! I had been softened for the shock by having had to pay £4.50 for a small bottle of beer at the Queen’s Club Tournament two weeks’ earlier, but still I had palpitations. The only consolation, I suppose, is that at least the huge margin on the cream will go back to the hard-pressed dairy farmers, won’t it?

The Royal Highland Show is the doyenne of agricultural hoolies. All around me there is fun and laughter, serious debate on farming issues, sport and music, politicians and stockmen, livestock and milk maids, exhibitors and performers. All this, and I hadn’t even left the bar. At the Dairy UK Scotland Board meeting, we had to send out for more seats. Then we shared riveting information. The noble Maitland Mackie revealed that there was now more money in wind than in milk (Maitland: You are talking to the guy who wrote the book!). I spotted the Dairy Council Chairman, The Great Alexander (pictured), wandering around the milking sheds. Simultaneously in the background, the Alexander brothers were on the bandstand singing “Rear’d amang the heather. You can see he’s Scottish built. With the wig, wig, wig, wiggle, waggle o’, the kilt”. I thought this was a perfect match.

I wondered what the EU Agriculture Commissioner, Dacian Cioloş, was making of all of this. I’d spotted him at the airport and thought I might have had a chance of hitching a lift to the showground, but my credibility was blown when he saw my Easyjet boarding pass sticking out my pocket. I did, however, get the opportunity to share my views with him later at a select, invitation only seminar, where the Scottish Minister, Richard Lochhead, described the audience as “the cream of the Scottish industry”. Well, at Wimbledon prices, that must have meant there must have been about a hundred grand in the room.

I offered Mr Cioloş the view that he should look to Scotland for his model of post-2015 quota-free dairy supply chain relationships – all being implemented successfully without state intervention and creating real value in the farmers’ contract. But the other suggestion I made was that in managing the delicate balancing act for farmers in the CAP, ie as producers of food and providers of public goods, he was going too far in the latter direction. He rejected this of course, but as soon as I had spoken, as ever, the bee keepers, the bird watchers and the water diviners, all waded in with their relentless demands that Pillar One must be much more accountable to the environment. My impression was that in this regard, they were pushing against an open door, and that they were winning.

Later, in the relaxed confines of the NFUS stand, I was discussing the debate with some of the other “cream of the industry” friends and colleagues, who had been at the meeting. They said that they had heard Cioloş say food production first and the rest can follow after. But I didn’t hear that from either Cioloş or Paulo de Castro, the European Parliament Agriculture Committee Chairman, who had shared his platform. Whether he did or he didn’t, my message to the NFUS, and indeed to all of us, is that nowadays in public debates over the CAP, there are seven spokesmen for the birds and bees for every spokesman there is for food producers, and we should watch this carefully.

Finally, to the ladies of the UK dairy industry, this is the last weekend to buy your new posh frocks for the Dairy UK dinner next Wednesday, so go to it with vigour! My advice is to leave it until Sunday afternoon - around 3 o‘clock would be best. If you do that, I can assure you that your menfolk won’t bat an eyelid over the expense. You won’t even have to tell them that you’ve had the dress for weeks. But be very wary about trying it on, on Sunday night, for “an opinion”. If he’s still in the house and not out on the town drinking champagne, I’d leave it till the next day if I were you. Oh, and these nice Bratwurst sausages you bought for Monday’s breakfast? Give them to the cat. She’ll appreciate them more. It’s only a game, eh?

Friday, 18 June 2010

“So explain this to me again, sighed Mrs B. If I buy a pack of cheese and it’s got a red tractor on it that’s good?”
“Yes,” said I.
“But if it’s got a red traffic light on it, that’s bad?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“And if it’s got a green traffic light on it that’s good?” 
“Well yes, in principle....but a pack of cheese won’t have a green traffic light on it.” 
“What if it’s got a green tractor on it?” 
“There isn’t such a thing,” I said.
“Why not, if green means good?” 
“Er.... don’t be ridiculous, have you ever seen a green tractor?” 
“No, but I’m a consumer - I don’t go on to farms.”
“Right, well a tractor is a bit like a Ferrari.....red means good.”
“So does a green Ferrari mean bad?”
“Well, yes, it means less valuable. Not everything green is good... England goalkeepers, for example!”
Long pause.............. “Can you explain the offside rule to me again?”

But of course, traffic lights as a food labelling system are no more. They got a red card from the European Parliament this week, and that’s definitely bad. No problem there, though. It’s a rare victory for science over simplicity. If there’s a problem, it’s about how our valiant MEP’s came to make this decision and the 249 others they had to make in passing the Regulation on Food Information to Consumers. If you’d watched it, you’d have squirmed at the lack of understanding and knowledge in the room on the issues being debated. The experts watching on TV screens round Europe were baffled, and few people, least of all our beloved MEPs, knew what was going on. I can’t guarantee this, but I thought I heard a French MEP say that he hoped that the end of traffic lights would lead to the installation of more roundabouts. But at the end of it, we have the bones of a regulation with massive implications for the EU food industry.

There’s nothing new in this, of course. Every day, people take big decisions wearing blinkers. Not you or I, of course. We know everything about everything. It’s the others who are the problem. I’ve met some England supporters who think their team will win the World Cup. I’ve read press releases from Compassion in World Farming. But increasingly this situation seems to be less the exception and more the norm.

I mean, take one single issue out of the 249 that the MEPs had to agree on this bill – country of origin labelling (COOL). Swept through in the blink of an eye, but what exactly have they agreed to? At Dairy UK, we took five minutes to agree with mandatory COOL, but it’s taken us eight months to work out what it means and even now we don’t have the perfect solution.

The EP, the EU High Level Group and the NFU believe that it simply means the place of farming. But consider for a moment the unimaginable – raw milk being exported to a French cheese factory. Would you expect to see on the label of the cheese - Meilleur Camembert Anglais - Produit du Royaume Uni? No. So at the very least, the place of manufacture has to be included. I’m told that the place of farming already works well for the beef industry where ‘it fits’ conveniently. But I think that’s a lot of bullocks! Has it stopped the age old practice of reared cows in England and then sending them for a two week slaughter holiday to Scotland so that the Scotch beef premium can be secured? I doubt it. I mean, how do you tell the difference between a Scottish cow and an English cow? Does the Scottish one moo with a Scottish accent? If I was a Scottish cow, and I was chopped up and put in a steak and kidney pie, and labelled as English. I’d be well hacked off about it. I’d probably write to my MEP! So, I believe the COOL issue still has some way to run. Defra and Jim Paice are hot on this issue. I’m looking forward to the debate.

Finally, and remarkably, the following piece came through in my press clippings this morning. Referring to England fans in town for tonight’s bunfight it said “Some run their own businesses and are in South Africa for most, if not all, of the tournament. Others are multi-millionaires, and quite a few are ex-patriot Britons who've travelled here from all corners of the globe. But Ian Potter from Derbyshire and a group of England supporters wanted to do more than just eat, drink and make merry in Cape Town. They decided to take the ferry out to Robben Island, with thoughts not of football, but of history, racial oppression and injustice. Multi-millionaire or expat Briton? What do you think? Well, he’s certainly not an expat, so…

Friday, 11 June 2010

I see that the Prime Minister wants us all to hoist up England flags over our offices for the duration of the World Cup. I, of course, support that. At the very least, the England football team share my tailor. However at Dairy UK we are a consensus organisation. So I decided to consult the membership in the form of The Dairy Council Board meeting, which just happened to follow the PM’s statement. On that particular day, The Dairy Council Board consisted of three Scotsman, one Irish lady, one Welshman and one Iranian. They chose to decline the PM’s suggestion. What can I do? I am a mere servant of my pay masters. I would say no more than that I expect to be able to recover faster from the psychological damage of an early England exit than most of my colleagues.

Rather than being concerned about where people should be putting their England flags (although I agree it is an important issue), I think the PM might be a touch more concerned about the reaction of his backbench MPs to his new coalition’s ‘gung ho, blast them from the trenches’ style of Government. I met some of them at a function this week in the House of Commons and surprisingly found them in some trepidation over returning to their constituencies at the weekend. ‘Well, the economy is one thing, but what about the Food Standards Agency,’ I asked? So far, although the Government has done lots of things it didn’t include in its manifesto, it still hasn’t done anything about the FSA, which was in fact a pre-election commitment.

Despite this, there is now no doubt that the FSA will be chopped up a little, with responsibility for nutrition reverting back to the Department of Health. Dairy UK supports this and believes that it will strengthen both the FSA (with its outstanding performance on safety and science) and the Department of Health (which will take a more balanced, wider look at nutrition in the context of exercise and the other factors which contributes to human health and wellbeing). But the FSA insiders are moping, believing nutrition will lose importance in the plethora of issues that the Department of Health has to deal with. Cheer up lads. You may see this as a blow in the short term but in the medium and long term, I predict that your stock will rise ever further.

From the House of Commons, straight to Reaseheath in Cheshire for the royal opening of the Eden International Dairy Academy, the dairy industry’s new technical centre of excellence integrated within a revitalised agricultural college which is going from strength to strength. Gushing, but unquestionably deserved tributes were paid to the people who made this happen, viz the Eden Project Steering Group marshalled and driven with purpose by Jens Termansen of Arla and Julie Walker of RWD – the duo whose idea it was in the first place. As I commented at the launch this is a world class facility. If Carlsberg did technical centres........!

The regret was that Dairy UK’s man on the team developing this project, Edmund Proffitt, was missing. A renowned petrol head, he is on his annual pilgrimage (along with Malthusian Pete) visiting European motorcycle scrapyards looking for spare parts. This culminates each year at Le Mans which I understand is a convention of global greasemonkeys who meet in a car park in France and squirt WD40 over each other. I’ve told them they should try out a beach where they might come across things they’ve never seen before – but what do I know? But if you’re reading this on your Blackberry Ed, congratulations. You can be  proud of what you’ve achieved.

Finally it’s good to have Curly back in the office with us – albeit stuck together with pieces of sticking plaster. I can’t help but think, though, that his mind is focused on his next swash buckling adventure on the high seas. It’s the fact that he comes into the office in a pirates outfit that gives it away. Plus he keeps adjusting the air conditioning in the office so that he can practice staying vertical in a breeze. Ship ahoy, Curly. Keep your feet on dry land in the meantime, and don’t sail off over the horizon without a decent sized packet of Quells.

Friday, 4 June 2010

The regular reader of this column knows that it tries to take a light hearted look at serious contemporary issues affecting the dairy industry. Sometimes the activities of named individuals are portrayed humorously, but hopefully always with respect, and certainly always because they have done something positive to deserve it.

On this ongoing theme, step forward Albert Flynn, renowned Professor of Nutrition at Cork University in Ireland, and chair of the European Food Safety Authority’s adjudicating panel on health claims. In the latter roles he is the supreme arbiter of nutritional science as it relates to health claims on food. If you want to be able to claim that your product is capable of tickling my fancy, then it’s Albert you have to convince. He is the Celtic equivalent of the Man from Del Monté, and as he walked on to the stage at EFSA’s stakeholder forum in Parma this week, the 400 plus throng of disciples in the audience started a low virtual chant of “Here comes the judge”.

Albert had come to Parma to explain to the baying crowd why on 98 out of every 100 claims he’d looked at so far, his thumb had pointed downwards, and not up. Even Julius Caesar in the Coliseum would have been envious of a record like that. And in Parma, just like Rome, the baying crowd were looking for blood, and the lions were looking for dinner. But of course, Albert didn’t really need to explain his decisions to anyone, because frankly, none of this is Albert’s fault. In fact, he had as much right as anyone to be narked about the hopeless mess this EU Health Claims’ Regulation is now in. Indeed, he has more right to be narked than the army of consultants in the room who’d been paid stashes of lolly by food companies to get their claims through and had failed. Their tears were of the crocodile variety and their most pressing need now was for Albert to tell them how they could squeeze even more cash from their clients with re-submissions. And quite what Albert thinks of the EU Commission is anyone’s guess. They promised him a prestigious manageable task. Instead, he’s had to burn the midnight oil and travel back and forth from Cork to Parma relentlessly on Ryanair. And he’s still not even a quarter of the way through the job. I mean, how would you feel if you had to buy a season ticket for Ryanair? For sure, I know that if I were Albert’s wife, the last thing I’d be offering him for tea when he gets home  at night is a pizza!

No, the problem here lies squarely with the Commission, and so therefore does the solution. It was they who set up the process by which the adjudication rules were clear only after the claims and the supporting science had been submitted. It was they who framed the regulation to match the specificity of medicines and not foods. It was they who ‘merged’ the 44,000 claims down to 4,600, thereby delinking the claims and the science. And it was they who vastly understated the size of what is now a task which is suffocating the EFSA resources. How can they have done this? If you promise free beer tomorrow, how can you be surprised when people then turn up at the pubs?

Effectively therefore, the Commission’s mandate to Albert and his eminent team put them in a straightjacket, but in Parma he was gentleman enough to communicate this to the audience only by facial expression. He doesn’t want to be Julius Caesar, he wants to be the man from Del Monte, and he painstakingly spent the day advising how the remaining 3000 or so claims had the best chance of getting through. But he smiled little on the day. Not even when a man talking about the health benefits of fish inadvertently described himself as a “simple soul (sole)”. Nor when another contributor talking about how his food ingredient could be beneficial for hair said that he would only “give the highlights”! But I noticed a knowing smile creep across his face when the EFSA Director General, Catherine Geslain - Laneelle accidently misread her script and said that the EFSA role was “to protect the Commission”. She immediately corrected it to “protect consumers”. I wondered if Albert thought that she’d been right the first time.

Friday, 28 May 2010

I’ve been trachled all day today. However, not as much as the taxi driver taking me back to the office from a Crisis Management meeting in London. As we sat at traffic lights at Tottenham Court Road, he was venting strong opinions about a guy urinating against a wall in full public view. Only taxi drivers are allowed to do that by law, I learned. With his attention diverted, the cab drifted accidently forward, pushing over what’s called a Community Support Officer on her bike. A CSO is a kind of policeman in a yellow steward’s outfit. The inevitable stooshie which followed was shortened by my instantaneous four-word, five syllable, crisis management advice to the cabbie. By the time we reached Baker Street, he was genuinely appreciative of my advice, although still declaring to all and sundry that he couldn’t understand why a milkman was wearing a suit!

What was rankling with me was the fact that despite everything, there are still people amongst our ranks who seem to want to suppress the positive action being taken by the industry on Johne’s disease.  While I’d been in my Crisis Management meeting, I received an e-mail warning me about a newspaper article on Johne’s disease linking it again with Crohn’s disease in humans.  The story was actually a positive piece about progress in addressing Johne’s, but of course the context had been elaborated negatively by the headline writer (and by the scientists engaged in the research) for greater effect.  It must be as plain as a pikestaff that the positive work being done in our Johne’s action group to provide a Tool Kit of remedial measures for the industry to use is pretty much the complete answer to any criticism that we might face on this highly controversial and sensitive subject. We must press on with it.

The sunny spot of the week (apart from the news that Jose Mourinho is not going to pursue the managerial vacancy at Celtic because he’s not that bloody special – hee hee!!) came in Smith Square where Defra’s four Ministerial virgins fronted up to the industry’s stakeholders including me. The ability to approach each problem with a blank sheet of paper is for most of us a dream. For new, incoming Ministers it’s a reality so all the stakeholders try to ensure that their concerns are at the top of the new check lists. What strikes me about these meetings is that the room is always stacked full of birdwatchers, beekeepers, protection societies, trusts and people who include the term “bio” in every sentence. Food producers almost have to apologise for their attendance. I playfully teased the Minister about the need for a total supply chain approach to agricultural policy , but it was left to my mate and fellow jock, Happy Jack Matthews, CEO of Skills body Improve!, to force the message home. Food is by far the biggest manufacturing employer in the country, and policy decisions should be taken with that thought in mind. Happy Jack is absolutely right, protect the bees and you’ll have more bees - protect the food producers and you’ll have more jobs. Well done, Jacko, he’s my hero for the week.

And I want to finish this week with a fond message to all scientists working in the dairy industry. Three times this week I’ve heard scientists say that policy should be based on good, sound science. Lord Henley said it at the Ministerial hello on Tuesday, David Gregory said it at the IFST Lecture at  the Royal Society on Thursday and the Queen Bee and Professor Edski both said it at the Dairy UK Board meeting on Wednesday. Guys, it’s the other way round, I’m afraid. Try and see it from the point of view of the social scientists. The problem they have is that when they turn to the techies for answers, the science is almost always not there. It is astounding what little practical science there is in the world for policy makers to work with, but there is no shortage of respectable noted scientists who for a sniff of the filthy lucre, will take on, challenge and dispute, any hypothesis or principle put up by another equally noted and respected scientist, who has received a great dollop of spondulix to make the statement in the first place,. Look at the debate on TB, for example, or the debacle in EFSA on Health Claims and of course, of more relevance to us, the scientific debate with Government on fat. So, rightly or wrongly, policy drives science, because it’s the policy makers who pay for the science, so it’s they who drive it.

Having got that off my chest, I'm off to find a bar that isn't decked out with England flags. The nearest one may be in France. Phew.

It’s going to be a long hot summer!

Friday, 21 May 2010

Zippity doo dah!  Out of the blue, the sun is shining, and suddenly everyone is in holiday mood. Dress down Friday seems to have turned our office into something approaching a film set from an episode of “Wish You Were Here”. There is a proliferation of Bermuda shorts, Jesus sandles, and cropped tops! At Dairy UK all the men take their fashion lead from Fergus the Green. Today he is sporting a biodegradable, Fair Trade, tangerine tank top, made from reclaimed barracuda fish scales.  On the front there is an inscription, “Save the Galapagos Porcupine”. No-one really knows how much trouble the Galapagos porcupines are in, but if FTG thinks they need saving, we’re all behind him. We’ve all ordered a tangerine tank top for next Friday.

I’m in my office in a sober blue suit and moping. I’m in a suit because later today I’m meeting the Government at Smith Square and I just feel that someone has to stand out from the Man U and Chelsea tops so favoured by our public servants. Last night, I had to wear a tie, just to get through the door at the plush Caledonian Club in London. Unsurprisingly the chef’s special on the menu was “mince and tatties”. Help my boab! Can you imagine having to wear a tie to eat mince and tatties? When I was a boy we had mince and tatties every day, and my mother used to scream through from the kitchen, “Don’t forget to take your tie off before you start eating’”.

I’m moping because I’m looking at what’s happening to the euro. At Dairy UK we appear to take our forward currency advice from Betfred.com, so earlier in the year we paid all our annual euro bills in the belief that we were at the lowest value of the euro.  At that point, our advisors clearly thought that Greece was simply the name of a good film. None of the weakness in the euro helps anyone in this country, other than holidaymakers. And that is certainly true for our dairy industry. It makes imports to the UK more competitive, and ultimately, depending on how the governments in the eurozone countries reacts, it could engender deflation and reduced demand for our products.  But every cloud...............etc, and ours is that as we’ve observed, the impact of the recession on demand in the last two years has been arguably secondary to the impact of the variation global milk supply. Ironically then, it’s the fact that supply has been constrained by the weather that may see us ride this latest storm.

I stravaiged, as I do, periodically, into the inner workings of Assured Food Standards (AFS) this week. The Red Tractor organisation continues to defy economic gravity. It operates on the shoestring of a slip on shoe, yet gets its mark on £10 billion of retail goods, without even seriously troubling the food service sector or indeed Scotland.  It has now got funding from the AHDB that had to be squeezed out of them like a lemon. But every pound’s a prisoner, and zesty new Chairman, David Gregory, isn’t complaining.  He has smothered the organisation in a compost of zippy business plans, clipped no doubt from M & S, his former employers. At the moment, everyone’s gasping for air, but  in time, these will increase the yield even more. Unfortunately, the support of former funders the NFU, now comes in spirit rather than cash but it’s new CEO, Kevin Roberts, will want to look closely at the bigger picture. AFS, with its myriad of farm standards and its flagship logo, does an immense amount of good for British farming, and underpins British provenance. Despite the fact that it generates no market premiums, it has few critics and massive support beyond the farm gate, and there’s a good reason for that. The organisation’s finances are still fragile. In this life, you have to know when you’re on to a good thing. I’m sure that the farmers will soon wake up and smell the coffee?

Finally, the burden of my day was lightened this morning by a reminder that whatever, someone is having a harder time than you. So thanks to the South West Train driver who today offered the following passenger announcement, “Your delay this morning is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."  He should become an MP.

Friday, 14 May 2010

Embarrassing or what? The whole god forsaken episode. Not necessarily the outcome though. It’s quite possible to run successful coalitions with people of widely diverging views. I’ve been doing it at Dairy UK for more than five years, and I’m only talking about the staff! The secret is remembering that along with the sunshine, there has to be a little rain sometimes.

Coalitions are the breeding grounds of reasonableness and compromise. The winners are those who can successfully exploit the power of silence. How many times have you triumphed in a mental exchange with someone and never uttered a word? Body language becomes a consummate skill. I once played in a football team where my partner in defense was, fair to say, not my bosom buddy. Worse, our policy on how to play the offside rule was crystal clear. Move out or stay back, depending on how you felt at the time! We never spoke a word to each other all season but we comfortably won the league. There were times when I wanted to ring his neck, and he mine, but silence kept the partnership working successfully together.

The power of silence was exercised adroitly this week by the Food Standards Agency. Purdah, in the absence of a new Government, prevented the FSA from dismissing an inaccurate story in the Daily Mail that they were about to consult on a fat tax for whole milk, cheese and butter. No problem with that, and we already knew this at Dairy UK, because we had had assurances from the FSA directly. If you believe in the phenomena of coincidence, you will not be alarmed by the fact that the authorities in Denmark, who we know are definitely intending to introduce a fat tax on dairy, decided the week before to extend it to meat. This, of course, is a blow to the newly formed Danish Agricultural and Food Council which has combined the industry lobbies in Denmark on meat and dairy. Its the kind of thing that the DAFC was created to prevent. It could, unfortunately, also be a blow to the other EU member states as well because, as we all know, everything from Denmark is spreadable. Well, we’re ok in the UK because the FSA have said so, haven’t they? And the new Nick and Dave coalition are looking at other ways of cutting the budget deficit, aren’t they? I mean, they’ve said so, haven’t they? And we know from the election process hat no-one ever changes their mind, don’t we? So we can forget about it for now, yes? Hmm. [ NB: private memo to the Queen Bee: sharpen your pencil and keep your wings well oiled. I can see the train a’ puffin’].

Over in the Province, there is much relief in the industry with the confirmation this week that former Northern Ireland MMB CEO, George Chambers’ now published history of Northern Ireland Dairy Council, covers more issues than just the selection over the years of the Ulster Dairy Queens. Now a lively octogenarian, George had decided to re-acquaint himself with some of these former beauties, presumably in the interests of thoroughness. Great credit has to go to the Dairy Council, the book’s sponsors, for recognising that the authority of the world's 7 great historians comes from detailed and elaborate research.....always assuming of course that the consequent lunch bills don’t threaten the financial viability of the whole project. The end result was revealed at the launch of the book in Belfast this week. Without doubt, it’s clear that the dairy queens [pictured above with George] did play a major role in fronting up the ambitions of the industry to the public. What is also clear is that in terms of articulacy and sharpness of wit, Dr George Chambers CBE, still remains one of the finest contributors to the dairy industry in the Province. Get yourself a copy of “Promoting Natural Goodness – the first 50 years of The Dairy Council in Northern Ireland” and see for yourself.

Finally, opinion is still sharply divided on my declared intention to buy a pleasure scooter this summer. My wife refuses to discuss the subject, while my children, more subtlety, have said that we’ll all go down to the scooter shop; they’ll take a picture of me sitting on one, and that’ll be the end of the subject. But I’ve had strong encouragement from Ramsay, Dairy UK’s external media adviser. No stranger to unconventional behavior himself. This is a man who as a release from the white hot pressures of political intrigue, started to learn to play the piano. The nearest analogy I can think of to that was Brian Moore doing ladies manicures. Anyway, he’s promised that if I go ahead he will buy me a full leather jacket emblazoned with the words, “Born to be Wild – East Kilbride Chapter” on the back. Ok, Ramsay. Make it a parka, and it’s a deal.

Friday, 7 May 2010

The main event for me in Brussels was my direct engagement with Jean Luc Demarty, Head of DG Agriculture at the European Commission. He spent 90 minutes answering questions on the High Level Experts’ Group, from a small group of global policy makers and economists, and me!  I saw this as my best chance of working out whether the HLEG was a force for good or a force for evil. The good could come from the Euro wide adoption of what seems to me to be a fundamental entitlement of every farmer in the post-quota European Union, i.e. a contract with his buyer – whether co-op or plc.   The evil would come if he legislated on/or over-prescribed contracts which stopped dairy companies investing in dairy farms as an integral part of the development of the elite parts of these businesses. Or if he prescribed contracts which disincentivised dairy companies paying farmers premiums for security of supply.

Demarty clearly wants to help dairy farmers. So he should, if you believe that his Commission has pulled the rug from under them by removing quotas – an act which in the absence of contracts will increase their vulnerability. So I feel he thinks he can recompense farmers with a gentle handed quasi legislative approach. And of course the added bonus for him is that if every farmer has a contract, he has a mechanism for controlling EU milk supplies, just like quotas did, but without the expense to the Commission of providing buffer stocks to manage the volatility.

Farmers of course don’t care about that. They simply want more money. But the lure for them in these proposals is controversial. The Commission believe that if every farmer has an unbudgeable contract which sets out in advance the price, volume and the minimum duration, then the industry’s customers ie the supermarkets will be unable to pressure prices downwards through their suppliers. The theory would apply irrespective of whether their suppliers were co-ops or plc dairies.  So, do you agree with that? You can see where the gain would come, but is it deliverable in a world where global commodity prices (which eventually determine all milk prices) are set by market forces involving big players not party to any new EU arrangements?

For me, the objective of an integrated approach where farmers, processors and where possible, customers, combine together in long-term deals to add value and drive competitiveness should shape the Commission’s policy. In my engagement with him Mr Demarty made it clear that that was his objective too. The question is how do you get there?

My EU colleagues in Brussels on Thursday were keen to solicit my views on how the outcome of the General Election would affect Europe. I told them, “Don’t worry. By tomorrow night everything will be clear!” Today’s coffee break discussion in the Dairy UK offices has therefore been how to put our situation now into music. Very soon the creative juices were flowing, and produced the following:

“Do you wanna be in my gang?” – Gary Glitter (Brown & Cameron to Clegg)

“Should I stay or should I go?” – The Clash (To the PM)

“You keep a knocking, but you can’t come in” – Fats Domino (for those who were locked out of the polling station at 10 o’clock)

“Road to Nowhere” – Talking Heads

“Smile like you mean it” – The Killers (for them all)

““Red sails in the sunset” – Nat King Cole

What a crazy world. My Australian visitors to the UK this week are just flabbergasted at what they’ve seen, but it’s to a media story today from New South Wales that I turn for a final observation. ‘An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage materials’ Don’t you just wish.

Friday, 30 April 2010

My pen is forcing its way listlessly across the paper this morning. I am blaming last night’s Trehane Trust Dinner, which for me, in the dedicated line of duty, extended well into the small hours. I don’t know how many people pass through Waterloo station each day, but this morning I managed to collide with all of them.

The dinner, masterfully orchestrated as ever by Simon the Pieman Bates, had several highlights. Notably, the seemingly successful attempt by Welsh gargantuan and new NFU Dairy Board supremo Mansel Raymond, to turn water into wine. I don’t blame him for inadvertently topping up his wine glass with water; the two bottles were virtually identical! But when I observed him continue to consume the concoction with consummate pleasure, I made a mental note. In my dealings with this man in the future, always remember that he can perform miracles.

Of course, I had tried to use my extended session at The Chesterfield Hotel constructively. However, I failed completely in an attempt to persuade two of my colleagues to attend an important overseas meeting next week. Instead of me. So, I’ll have to do it myself which will mean travelling on Bank Holiday Monday.............again! I’m not sure how I’m going to explain this to Mrs B. I know she reads this blog. It’s the only way she can find out what I actually do. I think I’ll just let her find out that way. Eh? What do you think? Yes, I think that’s best. Why do the Continentals arrange meetings on British Bank Holiday weekends? I like to think it’s not deliberate but I’m not so sure.

To make matters worse, the first thing I’ve had to deal with today is one of those e-mails, copied to the world, complaining about not having received a paper for a meeting, and concluding with the remark, “Have I missed something?” I mean, that is one of the great unanswerable questions in life – have I missed something? How the hell would anyone ever know? I’m surprised that you don’t see that phrase on more tombstones!

For sure, no-one at the Trehane Dinner missed the message of young James Shanks Esq., a beguiling kilted Trehane farming Scholar who advised his audience that he expected in future to be making more money from selling renewable energy, than from farming. The difference, he said, would not just be thousands but potentially hundreds of thousands.

What confidence, coupled with ambition and real determination. And very timely because the industry has been reflecting this week on how our successful Milk Road Map will develop, and in particular how we can increase the use of renewable energy in our processes. At present, there is a very low utilisation but there is a growing awareness that the Government is determined to drive through a new approach. As an example, the DECC proposals for exorbitant new targets for the dairy sector under the Climate Change Agreement – which will be challenged by the industry – are clearly linked to the drive to increase the use of renewable sources of energy. So James Shanks’ positive outlook demonstrating that there will be a financial benefit on farms is good news and a positive message for farmers. I’m told that the ladies in the audience thought that he had good knees for the kilt as well!!

Finally, I revert again to the Trehane Dinner for this week’s most iconoclastic insight into the future. It came from another of my table companions, engaged professionally in public service. He wryly observed that “The biggest driver of the UK milk price this year will be how quickly the economy of Greece gets sorted”. When you think about it, which of us would disagree with that?

Friday, 23 April 2010

Happy St George’s day to everyone, although personally I’ve always felt that if the dragon had come from the Horse Shoe Bar in Glasgow instead of Mesopotamia, then it would have been a very different story. It‟s been a trying but pleasurable week for me in which my wife had her credit card stolen. I‟ve not reported it, because the burglar is spending less money than she does! 6 Along with all the country‟s milkmen I went to Haydock for the Doorstep Forum, and to find some clear air. At the very least it‟s a consolation that the volcanic ash that‟s over our heads is being refreshed on a daily basis from Iceland. That‟s much better than being suppressed by the mingin stuff that‟s been around since last week.

But what was going through your mind when you saw ex Food Standard Agency chair, now Civil Aviation Authority chair Dame Deirdre Hutton, come out on to the steps to tell the world that having closed British airspace, she was now re-opening it under broadly the same atmospheric conditions. I don‟t think they sell the Daily Telegraph as far North as Haydock, but I had imported a copy from the South. It was littered with the word „overreaction?‟ The FSA and the CAA are on the same street in London. For sure, I know they sell the Daily Telegraph there, I wonder if in the FSA they saw the word „overreaction‟ and linked it back to the fat, sugar and salt reduction policy thatDame Deirdre had instigated there. Over reaction? Who knows?

On the train back from Haydock I was flicking through DairyCo‟s excellent Intentions Survey and I found a big fact everyone else had missed. It seems that only 1% of dairy farmers consider Johne‟s Disease as a priority. I can tell you lads, that 100% of processors, vets and welfare advisors take a very different view. The next meeting of Dairy UK‟s Johne‟s Disease Action Team is next week. The Intentions Survey shows how important it is that they make rapid progress.

Later in the week I went to the brewing industry lunch organised by the excellent trade association the BFBI. What‟s the connection between brewing and milk? Lots of technology actually. Dairy UK is in fact holding a joint seminar with the BFBI on refrigeration in June. But it‟s troubled times for the brewers. The pubs are emptying while publicans are still getting blamed for the binge drinking, even though their customers are now what is called „front loading‟ on cheaper supermarket beers etc at home, before they go to the pub. Agriculture, I learn, is playing a part in their demise. I‟m told that because farming is a lonely occupation, farmers have always traditionally gone to pubs on Fridays to meet people and to find wives. But the emergence of texting has changed all this and they don‟t go to the pub now. I asked my pubs advisor at the lunch how they then now find wives? “They‟ve gone back to the old ways “, he said. “They put an advert in the paper saying wife wanted - Must have tractor. Send photo of the tractor”. Nope, you cant beat the oldies.

Finally, my grateful thanks this week go to Fergus the Green for joining me in the middle of the night to operate the autocue for a live videolink presentation I gave to the Dairy Co-operative Leaders Forum for New Zealand and Australia in Melbourne. The pace of my presentation was totally dependent on Fergus‟s itching finger and he chose the occasion to have some really good fun. So we lurched back and forward from The March of The Hebrew Slaves to The Charge of The Light Brigade, and ended in a breathless crescendo that would not have embarrassed the Lone Ranger. Fergus offered as an explanation, the fact that we‟d renamed him „Skippy‟ for the evening (true!) and he was just trying to play to character. But I think really he‟s just missing his office soul mate Curly (see page 4). Well as we all know, there‟s always another day, and I‟ve offered to do the autocue for his next presentation. So far, he‟s declined. Hey ho! Onward Christian soldiers.

Friday, 16 April 2010

I was on about the last plane out of Heathrow to Brussels yesterday as the Icelandic volcanic ash began to occupy the air space above the UK. The ash was no problem for me; I’m used to working in a total fog, and I was pleased that in an instant the economics of the Scottish car wash industry were transformed.

On the plane I glanced through the initial press cuttings from our new Make Mine Milk campaign. It’s clear that everyone likes Pixie a lott. However, I noticed that some farmers have queried whether Gordon Ramsay is right for the image of milk. Hmmmm! Just as well the ad agency didn’t go for the slogan, “Make Mine F’n Milk”, then wasn’t it? Rightly or wrongly, bad boys create more interest and awareness than soft cuddly bunnies. Look at what Gwyn has done for the NFU. And of course, the start of the ad campaign is all about creating awareness. But you know, images are created by spin doctors; they may or may not reflect the real person. Interestingly, on the day of our launch I read that Gordon had sacked his long-standing PR company because he was unhappy with his bad image in the UK. So soon, Gordon might become an f’n angel. This will appease our concerned farmers but I wonder if it’ll improve his marketability? Don’t do it, Gordon. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

I was going to tell you now about an exciting new development on school milk but there’s been a delay and we have to stay schtumm for the time being. The Queen Bee, who’s involved, has been exasperated by the delay. “It’s because of something called ‘purdah’. What’s ‘purdah’?” she said. “Well it’s a situation where people who have something to hide have a good excuse for not answering any questions,” I told her. “You must have heard of the expression, ‘getting away with purdah”. “Shouldn’t that be murdah?” she asked. “Yes, that’s right. What did I say?” I replied.

Hopefully more on school milk soon, but instead what I can tell you is that we are now going to withdraw the health claims on dairy submitted by Defra on our behalf to the European Food Safety Authority. To be more precise, we are going to withdraw the food claims (eg dairy and dental health) submitted under Article 13.1 of the regulation, where the flawed adjudication process almost by definition makes them impossible to accept. We shall re-submit them under Article 13.5 of the regulation in a different format where the process is clearer and gives us a better chance of success. You might have observed yesterday that the French company, Danone, did the same thing with their product Actimel.

We do this with lots of regret but it’s in our best long-term interests as an industry. We believe that other dairy industries elsewhere in the EU will do as we are doing, and we are working now to deliver this. We’ll let you know what happens. However, for me it just goes to illustrate again the veracity of a business principle that I’ve been applying all my working life – the shortest distance between two points is seldom a straight line.

Huge posters of Pixie and Gordon are now hanging from the ceiling in our office. I won the toss to decide which picture faces who in the office so obviously I now sit and stare at Pixie all day while Jess, our receptionist, who sits across from me in the office, is now looking at Gordon. I could see she was distressed about this. “He’s looking at me all day”, she said. “I find him scary.” “What? Scarier than looking at me all day?” I said. Her lips moved but no words came out. Eventually she spluttered out the following, “Well when you put it like that, I suppose the corners of his mouth do curl up quite appealingly.” It just goes to show that in the modern world of volcanic eruptions, everything is relative.

Friday, 9 April, 2010

Do you remember the song Misty? Well in the absence of Johnny Mathis, it was Malthusian Pete who spelled out the Dairy UK position at the Defra stakeholders meeting on farmer contracts this week. So when he spoke, did a thousand violins begin to play?

Defra had engaged the English Farming and Food Partnership (EFFP) to survey stakeholders on milk contracts. To no-one’s surprise, there is a wide consensus on virtually everything, except for one point. Should a farmer be allowed to break his contract when there’s a price change? The farmers’ view expressed by the NFU is ‘yes’.

As you know, my personal mantra is always to ‘give every man thine ear, but few thy voice’. So I make only one comment on this. Processors pay premiums for security of supply. In a post quota regime, why would processors pay premiums for no security of supply? They pay those premiums because they can get specific business advantages from securing supply from specific groups of producers. This segregates the milk pool and stops milk being a single undifferentiated commodity, which is the source of all the economic problems farmers face in the supply chain. So, who would suffer most if purchasers couldn’t securely build value through differentiating raw milk? Oh, and while I’m at it, perhaps just a short second comment. The farm contracts in the UK are more advanced in farmers interests than in any other deregulated market in the world. If anyone can prove me wrong, I’m here to listen.

Next week sees the launch in the UK of the £7.5m Make Mine Milk focused marketing campaign, initially starring bad, bad boy Gordon Ramsay, and the sweet little angel of mercy, songbird, Pixie Lott. This is a cause for celebration, because it registers another tick in the box of characteristics which you expect from properly functioning markets. It is a direct investment by British dairy processors and the European Commission, but it will benefit everyone. It will underpin the health and wellness value of milk, and this will be so important in the political climate ahead of us. But will it also deliver a pot of gold at the end of this three year rainbow? Well the industry marketers have travelled to the rainbow’s end to have a look, and the gold is definitely there. All that’s needed is their creative skill and judgement to unlock the crystal maze. Go to it guys, we’re all behind you.

Finally, the question has to be asked, is Paolo Nutini now the greatest living Scotsman? And on that basis alone, should he be fronting the Make Mine Milk campaign further down the line? As I watched him perform last night at the Royal Albert Hall, I thought that his naturally curled up body and almost twisted upside down posture would look perfect on the T-panel on a double-decker bus. And these pointed elfin will o’ the wisp feet! Surely he’d be just as good as Pixie at delivering the ‘elf’ message. As you watch him perform, you are regularly struck by the thought that this is a man, well familiar with the white stuff. Coincidentally, I happened to be at the RAH with the Great Alexander, who is also of course the leader of the Make Mine Milk campaign orchestra. I turned to share my thoughts with him, only to find him doubled over in a Nutiniesqe posture, performing at the top of his voice (and of his range) “Just give me some Candy...before I go”. I decided to save my opinions for the next committee meeting. Some guys will do anything for a bag of sweeties!

Thursday, 1 April 2010

Ah well, spring is here and we’re all busy filling up our nut sacks so that the feathered friends who visit our gardens don’t go hungry. We used to have a lovely pair of greenfinches visit our garden in Surrey until our cat mistook them for Celtic supporters and ate them! It’s all part of life’s rich tapestry, I suppose.

Of course, as every Scotsman knows, as soon as you see a lamb in the field, you dive for your duffle coat, because you know that the “lambing snow” is not far off. So it was then that relatives of mine returning to the Isle of Lewis for Easter spent an extended night on a train from Edinburgh to Inverness which got stuck in a snowdrift and had to be rescued. As you know, my approach to life is always ‘glass half full’, so I can positively assure them that they won’t get stuck on a train on their return next week... because there won’t be any trains next week!

As it happens civil disruption is uppermost in the minds of all Dairy UK staff today on the eve of Good Friday. For 24 hours we have had no e-mail, internet or telephone systems in the office – struck into somnolence along with most of North London – by a fire at the BT connection office at Paddington. For some this is a curse, for others, a blessing. Fergus the Green keeps looking at his Blackberry, praying that it’ll jump into action. For me, it’s given me some time to consider the chocolate Easter bunny sitting in front of me on my desk. I’m about to sink my teeth into its rear end.

I’m never very sure about which days around Easter you are supposed to eat your chocolate egg. However, my urgency is driven by the fact that the Queen Bee is a chocolate fanatic who has given up eating chocolate for Lent. So I want to make significant inroads into my bunny before she re-enters the field. I notice from the packing that my chocolate bunny is called Molly and she has a Union Jack on her side. I also notice that she is made from “our exclusive British extra chocolately milk chocolate”, so clearly Molly is a British bunny. Now I happen to know for reasons which will become clear, that the laws on labelling allow you to claim a country of origin on your packaging as long as you are not misleading consumers if the main ingredient of the product is from somewhere else. So, what’s the main ingredient of a chocolate bunny? Chocolate? And what’s the main ingredient of chocolate? Cocoa beans? So presumably Molly has been made from the fruit of the vast cocoa plantations in Dorset and Somersetshire?

Country of origin labelling has become everybody’s cause célèbre. Politicians, farmers, trade associations everywhere (including Dairy UK) have it in their political manifestos. And it’s all based on provenance. The research from the Food Standards Agency in the UK says that national provenance is not a driver of consumption. The research conducted by everyone else says it is. So, from a marketing point of view, UK food companies want to show UK consumers that they produce wonderful products, and that they come from their patch! That is of course until they want to market their products to say French consumers. In this case it’s not because their products are from the UK, this time it’s because they’re simply wonderful.

Defining country of origin is a minefield. How do you do it? Is it right that products from the Republic of Ireland can be described as from the British Isles? Or that Dutch milk turned into cheese in Belgium and aged in France can be called French cheese? What is the main ingredient of a pizza? Have you ever seen a pizza described as, say, Welsh? Farmers say that it should be the country where the animals are reared, but you can’t even begin to imagine the complications of that. Most would agree that the point of manufacture, not the point of packaging is a good start. But why should it not be the point of packaging? Presumably one of the reasons that consumers value provenance is because by consuming “local” products they are supporting local jobs, and local packaging provides local jobs – yes?

In Dairy UK, we are in the middle of our analysis of this subject, because we believe in the concept, and we are proud of our products. However it may take us a little while. I’m off to Amsterdam at the weekend. I’ll be checking every mouse on every stair to see where their clogs come from. I bet they all carry a Dutch flag, and I bet also that they’re all produced in China.

Meanwhile, I’ve stripped Molly’s packaging and I discover that she’s not a bunny, she’s actually a cow. That’s a bit of a surprise but not a problem. The greater need is to get moving ahead of the Queen Bee. Hmm, I think I’ll start with the rump!!

Friday, 26 March 2010

I’m writing this in the vast amphitheatre of the EU Council's Charlemagne building in Brussels, where the output of the Commission’s High Level Group on Dairy is being conveyed to the European industry at a conference entitled What Future for Milk? Around 500 people will be in the room when the meeting begins shortly. The possible exception will be our venerable UK quota agent, Harry. Last night at dinner I was privileged to be able to give Harry’s wife advice on where to find the best prices for Prada handbags in Brussels’. Harry is so worried about this that he may give the conference a miss.

I’ve been mulling around talking to my European colleagues trying to find out if this event is real or just political window dressing. All of us have been examining the issues for months but everyone is still in the dark. A Dutch colleague summed it up best. “We are still confused,” he said, “albeit it at a higher level.”

Some light relief is afforded as three Irish colleagues move in next to me. They realise too late that they’ve sat next to a Scotsman and they stoically prepare themselves for 10 minutes of unrelenting wind up about rugby. They take it in the neck and vanish for a coffee at the first possible opportunity. The room is filling up. I’m struck by the number of foreign delegates wearing Proud of Dairy badges. I reflect that the badge is much more popular and valued outside the UK than inside; I wonder why. The great Torsten Hemme, of the IFCN advances. “I want more Proud of Dairy badges, Jim,” he says. “I want more IFCN reports Torsten,” I reply. We do a deal. Four IFCN reports for one Proud of Dairy badge. I resolve to go back to negotiation school.

I’m trying to push ahead with this blog but people keep coming up to me. A leading British retailer stops for a chat and we discuss Nocton. “No problem for us,” he says, “as long as they hit the right animal welfare notes.” Phew, that’s a relief, I think. Several overseas colleagues talk to me about comments I’ve made at the Commission’s Dairy Consultative meeting the previous day on health claims. I still believe that people don’t realise the potential seriousness of this issue for the future integrity of dairy products – including within the EDA. It’s clear that people were impressed by my comments, not so much by what I said, but that I managed to use the words epidemiological and pharmacological in the same sentence without getting my tongue stuck to the microphone.

New Farm Commissioner, Dacian Cioloş, opens the meeting and sets the tone. In doing so reveals his hand. “We’re not changing direction, quotas are still going and farmers need to get used to operating in free markets. However, we need to improve the markets by improving the bargaining power of farmers. We must also respect competition policy and I’m going to talk to the Competition Commissioner about what’s possible. Possibly, derogations for dairy farmers; possibly a greater role for producer organisations, possibly with larger shares. I mean it and I won’t wait for the CAP Reform process to deliver. I’ll tell you what I’ve decided in June.”

The economists roll out positive demand and market projections for the future. The Commission economist says fewer and fewer countries now rely on quotas for production decisions and quota values are falling everywhere. There’s a commotion beside me. It’s Harry. He’s banging his head on the table. I wonder if his wife has bought her new Prada handbag yet. The chat round the coffee machine is that the economists are buying into optimism on too little information.

As the details of the consensus of the HLG so far are drip fed out to the Assembly, I sense that the appreciation amongst the audience that supply arrangements could change as a result of this exercise, increases. In the crucial areas of contracts and the ability of producers to have greater power in the determination of milk prices, things could change. Of course, it’s early days and the HLG is not the EU Council of Ministers, but even on issues such as should price negotiating producer organisations be outside competition law, it’s clear that there is a dominant wave of member state opinion in favour.

As I look into Harry’s eyes, I see new opportunities for middle men in the new scenario float across his mind. I stay silent. I don’t want to disillusion him. After all, in about two hours, he’s about to find out how badly his bank balance has been depleted.

Friday, 19 March 2010

For me, St Patrick’s Day is one of the world’s greatest public celebrations. And when they give out vouchers for free pints of Guinness at Paddington station in the morning, how can anyone not possibly join in?

I’m writing this in Dawson Street in Dublin on Friday afternoon, where St Patrick’s Day is still continuing unabated. I’ve just tripped over a guy who’s been regaling me with his own personal collection of Irish proverbs. “When you think you’re at the bottom”, he said, “you can still have a hell of a long way to fall.” Hmm, I thought. Good advice for Martin Johnson.

Now, as we all know, when Irish eyes are smiling, all the world is bright and gay. However, Dawson Street is where all the men go while their wives are shopping in nearby Grafton Street, so there are always a few worried expressions around. But I detect a different atmosphere here, this time. The shops are quieter, the taxi queues are shorter, and the eyes are displaying only around 35 of their normal 40 shades of green. Indeed I’m reminded a little of when we used to come here before Ireland was a member of the EU, when the young people used to cluster round you hoping to find contacts which might lead to jobs in the UK. It’s nothing like as bad as that now, but I sense that this city has been hit by the recession much more than most.

I spent the real St Patrick’s Day at the Agra Europe Outlook 2010 conference in London. There were no Irish there, they were all at Cheltenham, but I still learned a lot. I learned about the almost straight correlation between the decline in beef consumption and the timing of the various disease scares that have hit this industry in the last 10 years. I shifted uncomfortably at that. I also learned that in terms of feeding the world in future, 23% of the responsibility would fall to the developed world and 77% of it would rest with the developing world (FAO). The good news is that in the developing world, the technology exists now to generate the necessary yield improvements to do it. The bad news is that they have to implement the technology.

I did the teaching on the dairy sector. But I’m always conscious when I talk to an audience of agricultural generalists that they find the dairy regime and its pricing mechanism unbelievably complicated. Perhaps that’s why we get so much irrational comment about dairy in the media. We don’t explain clearly enough how it works. However, mindful that the entire EU dairy apparatchik world will be in Brussels next Friday (26 March) to hear the outcome of the High Level Experts Group thinking so far, I focused on that in as simple terms as possible. I explained that the Commission, prompted by the French Government, had got cold feet about surrendering the EU dairy industry to a free market without quotas and had hit on the scam of getting the dairy companies through their contracts with farmers to effectively balance milk supplies to the market. Sounds sensible, and cheap too for the Commission, what with the Budget coming up for review and all that. So, we may well see guidance on contracts emerging as an outcome.

No real problem with that as long as it’s restricted to making sure that a contract exists (they don’t in many EU countries) and the general areas the contract should cover. Anything further such as interfering with the contract terms, how long a time a price should apply for example, then the potential for disaster opens up. I sense that some EU farmer organisations are hoping that the Commission will recommend a more specific contract prescription. But I don’t think that’s the intention. No-one would thank them for prescribing contracts that would see dairy farmers lose their supply premiums. Of course Europe’s approach to dairy and competition law in the High Level Experts Group is quite another thing. We’ll find out more about the intentions there next Friday.

Coincidentally, while I was addressing the audience on the subject of milk quotas, I was aware that there was a horse running at Cheltenham called “Quantitative Easing”. Honestly. I checked to see if the jockey was called Mariann Fischer Boel, but it wasn’t. In the same race, (the 4 o’clock), another horse called “Wishful Thinking” looked a better bet to me. In the event, both lost but in the Cheltenham Gold Cup this afternoon Imperial Commander didn’t, and I had a small investment on that. So the drinks are now on me. I’m in the Madhatter’s Café. Come and join me. I suppose I’ll be here all night.

Friday, 12 March 2010

I’m not going to go on about Nocton this week ....... not much that is.  Next week is the local planning meeting. I hear that it’s going to be televised by the BBC’s Countryfile programme. So, I expect to see Julia Bradbury wearing her Dairy Fairy outfit she donned for the Smile for Dairy campaign. One wave of her magic wand and everything will be alright. She should wave her magic wand over Labour MP David Drew as well. This week he tabled a Parliamentary Question to Hilary Benn suggesting that farms should have a maximum number of milking cows by law. Come on, David, how much inefficiency do you want to build into the British farming system? Haven’t you heard that soon our dairy farmers are going to be in an even more liberalised market where competitiveness will be vital. They have to take investment decisions now to prepare for that. As an MP, you don’t need to intervene, especially if you want to put a stranglehold on growth.    The market will decide what forms of farming are acceptable to consumers. We just need to make sure that the market has the true story.

I’m speaking at the big hoi polloi Agra Informa Outlook Conference in London next week. On this occasion, I’ll be the voice of the whole EU dairy industry in giving the form report on our sector.  Since there will be a lot of non-Scottish speakers there, I’ll have to practice my best Kelvinside posh accent over the weekend and try to remember not to say things like, Och and Aye. Over the years I’ve had a good relationship with Agra Informa and its father Agra Europe – I pay them stacks of money each year, and they print my comments with the words in the order that I actually say them.  That’s what you call trust. The AI editor, Chris Horseman, is a man apart. He’ll be chairing my session. He said to me, “Jim, do you believe in free speech?”  I said, “of course”. He said, “Good, that’ll take care of your fee then!”.  This conference has all the big powerful EU decision makers on the platform, including Lars Hoelgaard from the European Commission, Palo de Castro MEP from the European Parliament, and Anastassios Haniotis, DG Agriculture and Rural Development, from the Commission. All legends in their own lifetime........and if you are in the UK dairy industry, have you heard of any of them?  I’ll bet you haven’t.  And yet, these people are making decisions on a daily basis (ok, ok, that’s stretching it a bit) that affect the future profitability of our industry – and they have done for years. So, if you as a dairy farmer, say, are not happy with your lot, those people will have had much to do with it. But I doubt if I’ll know more than a handful of people in the audience – which ever more significantly, will be full of people who make financial judgements about our industry, including city analysts and fund managers. Wake up to Europe is my message to you. It’s still the place that determines the infrastructure for our industry, and to that extent, it can enlarge or contract margins. At the conference, my doctrine for the future will be unchanged: rationalise – research – brand. If there’s anything else you want me to say, let me know before Wednesday.

I’m breaking the habit of a lifetime by writing this blog on a Thursday, so if anything has happened on Friday, I apologise for not including it. I’m off to Scotland on Friday for the Calcutta Cup – where I hope after the game to be in a position to offer psychological help and guidance to wee Mattie from Defra, that is if they let him through Passport Control at the Scottish border. I wonder if I’m getting too old for rugby weekends. The “good taste” editor of this blog, Simon the Pieman Bates, gave up years ago, and as an England fan, he got to see the odd victory.   And of course, the wives of my circle of friends now refuse to join us.  For some reason they find being squashed like lemons in bars for six hours unpleasant. They say controversial things like “Let’s find a restaurant”. So, my friends and I have found a new solution. We take our daughters to the games instead of our wives. They are all twenty something and I find at that time of life, they are remarkably free from the conventions and behavioural patterns that in other situations we find so charming and appealing in their mothers.  So, here we go again, as they say. In the famous words of the sadly departed but never forgotten Elvis “The Pelvis” Presley, “Don’t push me ... I’m a grease monkey that won’t slide so easily”. [Editor’s comment: He’s right you know, Elvis did come out with this memorable line in the 1962 movie Kid Galahad, a remake of the 1937 drama of the same name starring Edward G Robinson and Humphrey Bogart]

Friday, 5 March 2010

Yip, it’s been a rough old week. You get them, don’t you? Nothing works. Everybody’s wrong. You’re late for everything. No-one listens. No windows get opened and others get closed. At the low point of my week, I looked in the mirror and I’m sure I saw Tony Mowbray looking back at me. Jings! What a fright I got. When you have weeks like that, the solution is always to buy new shoes. That always makes you feel better. I didn’t. I bought a shirt.

When I opened it, I discovered it had no top pocket. For me, and all men, that’s a hanging offence. Not so long ago in Australia, there was civil unrest when the shirt makers went from two top pockets to one. They eventually had to climb down. Worse still, the shirt had three buttons on each cuff. Three flipping buttons I ask you! It’s difficult enough for me in the morning to get any buttons into the right button holes at all, never mind three buttons in each cuff. I’ve had to arrange to tell Fiona about the days that I’m going to wear that shirt so she knows I’ll be on the late train.

It was a rough old week for the innovators of Nocton Dairies too, except that they didn’t deserve it. For me, a proposal to spend £40m on a farm should give everyone a confidence boosting shot in the arm, but instead it put the spotlight on the animal welfare practices of the whole industry. Nowadays, it appears that it’s not enough to satisfy the technical experts when you choose to introduce innovative production techniques. You have to convince The Daily Mail as well, and, regrettably from our point of view, we started from a position of defence, as the animal rights campaigners were presented with a hook, from which to hang us out to dry. So, when the extensive media skirmishes took place, we had to field the equivalent of John Terry, albeit armed with a superb retinue of answers, but the animal rights campaigners had Wayne Rooney posing the questions. If you were an investigative journalist, whose performance would you be most interested in?

The issue is not about Nocton. It goes way beyond that. It’s about the industry’s ability to convince the general public, via The Daily Mail or whatever, to accept technological developments in farm production techniques. Our future competitiveness is going to depend on our ability to do this, because consumer resistance to developments such as genetic modification in other countries is significantly less than in ours. So, consumer education is an absolute priority, and this will take resource. Because, as we all know in the industry, there has to be more to come in terms of the way milk is produced, and the kind of milk which is produced in the future. There are simply some aspects of farm production which need more explaining to consumers than others. And that responsibility must rest with dairy companies as much as with farmers. It’s the reaction of their customers after all which counts most. Zero grazing is one issue; producing milk without grass is another. We know that world-class animal welfare standards are not prejudiced by these systems but we all have to work harder to convince the public.

The next pressure will come at the Nocton planning meeting; beware the Ides of March is my message (well, it’s not my original message, it’s been used by bloggers in the past). By then I’ll have bought some new shoes. This is a Journey and we “just can’t stop believin’”.

Finally, it was good to see Farm Minister Jim Fitzpatrick wearing his Proud of Dairy badge at the Dairy Supply Chain Forum meeting in London this week. Jim’s snappy suits certainly make him the best dressed Farm Minister we’ve had for years, but he recognises, like so many, that there is no suit ever produced that cannot be significantly enhanced with a Proud of Dairy badge on the lapel. Jim tells me that his secretary keeps a stock of them in his drawer in case he forgets to change his badge when he changes his suit. I’m just impressed that he’s got more than one suit. This weekend, a major global dairy company is having an “away day” for their senior executives. All of them will be wearing Proud of Dairy badges, supplied at their request by Dairy UK. However, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and one of my Scottish colleagues recently described the badge to me as a “black splodge”. This week, for some reason, he went to Wembley to see the football. He had to sit and politely watch England thrash Egypt. That’s what I call divine retribution.

Friday, 26 February 2010

There was a time when feeding the world took just five loaves and two fish. Now we depend on farmers. Illustrating this point, the bowl of potatoes that came around at the NFU conference dinner this week only got two thirds of the way round the table before it was empty. Poor Ken Boyns, unfortunately positioned at the wrong end of the table, got the food security message right between the eyes. I glanced over at the “well fed” side of the table. Predictably, large quantities of potatoes were uneaten. So in the microcosm of the Hilton Metropole Hotel in Birmingham, the global dilemmas of food waste and food security were neatly encapsulated.

The NFU conference has completely changed its personality. We used to listen to some of the finest firebrands in the country, bellowing rhetoric about unfairness and defiance. The only prop involved was a soap box, and politicians and people like me had the fear of death put into them. Now it’s like spending a couple of days in a health spa. The Queen Bee gets a rougher ride having her monthly facial. These days, we listen to professors and academics with serious and worried expressions on their faces, talking about things like sustainable biomass and carbon sequestration and abatement potential. And yet, at the same time, farmers fear the drift of financial support in the EU from Pillar One to Pillar Two. Heavens above, guys, if you want to put the kybosh on Pillar Two, stop taking about it so much.

I think the politicians who inhabit the conference platform panels now view it as a relaxing afternoon off. One session was invigilated by the broadcaster, Edward Stourton. Charm, wit and sophistication ooze from this man, but what we really needed was a demented Rottweiler on ecstasy. Food Minister Jim Fitzpatrick even walked off half way through, albeit with a pre-notified excuse. I couldn’t quite hear what it was - something to do with a manicure appointment, but I could have been wrong. Before he left, he told the audience that he wouldn’t cull badgers; that he would continue to fight relentlessly; and that he would pursue a liberalisation and environmentally-driven agenda; less the Germans, French and Dutch would continue to isolate him, he had some mates in Eastern Europe that he would muster. Everyone smiled in acceptance, and clapped him off the stage. Crivens, in the old days, they would have manacled him to the chair, while they chewed him up and spat him out in bits.

Great credit has to go to Shadow Tory Farm Minister, James Paice, for trying to re-establish the focus. James often appears doleful and sanguine, but he unquestionably understands farming as well as any Westminster MP. He repeatedly told the conference that the countryside is for producing food – get your attention on that first. His view was supported by Professor Chris Pollock, a bearded Welsh-based intellectual, with an acerbic wit. With masterful control of the pause, he gripped the audience with a prophetic warning: “go too green, too fast and you won’t have enough land to produce the food”. Too right mate, and so say all of us.

Will the election of Gwyn Jones to the NFU front line change the style and culture of the organisation? HQ will say no. But this column says you can bet your bottom dollar it will. Gwyn only got the junior position, but that won’t make a whit of a difference to him. I predict that before long, the meetings of the NFU office bearers will be virtually indistinguishable from a performance by the Beastie Boys, and the economists and soothsayers, like young Hindy, will be back up on the conference platforms, doling out spoonfuls of statistical invective to feed the fervour of the delegates on the floor. And not before time, in my view. I can hardly wait.

As I pen this blog, the Queen Bee and her colleagues all over the EU are poring over the second tranche of Health Claims adjudications form the European Food Safety Agency (EFSA). At first glance, there looks to be nothing for or against dairy in this latest batch, so again, we breathe a sigh of relief. But be assured, our day will come. In the latest batch, 408 potential claims were rejected and only eight accepted, and again, the main reason for objection was that the scientific evidence didn’t sufficiently characterise the product. For me, this is a clear manifestation of the flaws in the process adopted by EFSA to evaluate the science (combining more than 44,000 claims down to around 4,000 to make the process easier to manage). Surely someone at the European Commission will wake up to this folly soon. It’s making a mockery of EU legislation and a mockery of the EU scientific community.

Friday, 19 February 2010

Each table at the Provision Trade Federation dinner this week was requested to enter a competition to guess how many calories were in the meal. My table contained the cognoscenti of the world of farming, food production, publishing, and, significantly, a representative from the organisation which aspires to be the one stop shop on food information in the UK.

My mate Gav from Defra was there. For many years Gav has been one of Defra’s brightest stars. I’ve always trusted his judgement implicitly... apart from the fact that he’s a devoted Hibs fan. I lost sympathy for the Hibees in 1978 after buying a Scotch pie at Easter Road. From the outside, it was of Desperate Dan dimensions. But inside it was quarter inch of filling and two and a half inches of air. Once you’d squashed it down to deflate it, you could have slid it under the door like a chapatti. However, Gav would know about calories. On the night we had a collective brain freeze (aka the Millennium Stadium). Our answer was wrong by a factor of 100%. I looked at Gav. He said he forgot to include the roll and butter. I think he must have had about six on the night!

When you go to bed after a PTF dinner, it’s always the same. You set your alarm clock, say goodnight to your teddy bear, put your head on the pillow, and bang... instantly your alarm clock goes off! Have you been there? The worry for me was that I was chairing and speaking at the World Dairy Forum conference in London. It’s a great privilege to chair and speak at a conference. From the chair, I was able to give myself a fantastic introduction. From the platform there was no-one in the chair to stop me going on forever, although out of respect for the audience I gave myself a five-minute warning. Afterwards, from the chair, I asked myself a series of deep and penetrating questions, to which from the platform I gave clear, concise, and visionary answers. In summing up from the chair, I thanked myself on the platform for adding a dimension to the subject and providing a clear and focused insight into the future. Yip, multitasking is not an easy skill to master, but I found it an absolute pleasure.

What I learned from the World Dairy Forum was that if we are really serious about the sustainability of this great industry of ours, then the answer lies emphatically in research and development. In one of the question and answer sessions, I had on my left a dairyman from Spain successfully developing functional dairy products for children, and on my right, a man from Unilever developing weight-reduction products. I asked both what percentage of their turnover they spent on research and development. Diego from Puleva said 9%, Sergei from Unilever said around 7%. Now what do you think the average UK dairy industry figure would be? There was a charming lady form Benecol speaking. Her company already has EU article 14 approval allowing them to claim that Benecol products could lower cholesterol and were therefore good for the heart. She said that this was the pay-off for a 20-year investment in research and development. She, like the rest of us, will be waiting with interest for the outcome next week of the dairy health claim applications. I fear then that we may see the benefit of 20-years of intensive political lobbying by the competitors of dairy products.

Dairy companies and organisations such as DairyCo for farmers have a sustainability imperative to maintain high levels of R&D for the future. But there is also a collective responsibility on the world’s Dairy Councils, and similar bodies, to develop and share the costs of pre-competitive scientific research – at a much faster rate than we are doing now. Next week, the world’s leading nutritional dairy scientists are in the Dairy UK office at a meeting organised by the Global Dairy Platform. Unfortunately I won’t be there (Gwyn needs me at the NFU conference to support his aspirations for elevation to high office), but I’ll be leaving copies of the newsletter on all the seats. I hope they read them.

Friday, 12 February 2010

I’ve been paying a lot of attention this week to 16 to 24 year old women (easy, Jo, easy). In fact, this is the target demographic for the industry’s new super flash focused marketing campaign on liquid milk and I was participating in the selection of celebrities to front it. I say participating, but spectating was closer to the truth – particularly when one of my co-selectors publicly proffered the view that she found it hard to understand how men in their 50s could possibly appreciate what would appeal to 16 to 24 year old women. Well, Hugh Hefner I am not, but I live with two young women in this age bracket and I know exactly what appeals to them because I see it every month in my bank statement!

Fortunately, one person who does have a good appreciation of the behaviour of young women is Dr Alison Tedstone of the Food Standards Agency (and also the Secretary of the Scientific Advisory Committee on Nutrition), who this week chose the columns of the Daily Mail to reveal to the nation that one of the reasons why teenage girls in the UK had such bad diets was because they didn’t consume enough dairy. Well, so say all of us, Alison – on two fronts. First, because we agree that this revelation is shocking, and second, that the FSA is prepared to stand up publicly and support milk.

Alison was commenting on the publication of the statistics on the National Diet and Nutrition Survey - a survey which was last published 10 years ago. But the statistics have put the Queen Bee into a frenzy because they show a decline in milk consumption at the same time as a significant drop in the proportion of teenage girls who don't consume enough calcium. Hold on. How can that be? Dairy is the biggest source of calcium in the diet, so what's going on there? The matter is now under QB investigation, (hint: look at the consumption of smoothie-type drinks, lattes etc for hidden dairy) and we'll report back, but clearly the sooner that the nation's poster sites are emblazoned with milk celebrities appealing to teenagers and young women, the better. The campaign is due to start in early April.

I’m off to the Millennium Stadium this weekend to watch Scotland trounce the taffs at rugby. Our manager has rightly insisted that they keep the stadium roof open during the game because I’ve noticed in the past that that roof is capable of spraying down a fine mist of debilitating dust which lands on everyone except the Welsh players. But I don’t want to dwell on this too much because it’s been another bad week for the sons of Llewellyn. I had to console Dairy UK’s Treasurer Roger Evans, strangely not because of the defeat or the now infamous “trip” by Alun-Wyn Jones at Twickers last weekend (how could a man who spends half his life trying to trip up the English complain about such a perfect demonstration of the art) but because he couldn’t get out of the stadium car park for two-and-a-half hours. Then there was poor Welshie from Defra. She tried to buy a Wales top to wear for the match but she was told by the shop assistant that they “didn’t sell club shirts”.

I next spotted Welshie in the public gallery at the latest EFRA hearing on the collapse of Dairy Farmers of Britain, starring ex-CEO ‘Magic Malcolm Smith’. I was watching Parliamentary TV and, as the session wore on, my 3D glasses nearly fell off as the personal retribution count mounted. I am delighted that this was the end of possibly the most useless waste of Select Committee time ever. The fact that it has dragged on relentlessly for months, allowing all sorts of slurs and allegations to be publicly aired, is shameful. I support the principle of Parliamentary privilege but this was an abuse beyond approbation. The often repeated justification that the inquiry was intended to throw positive light for the future was always going to be sidetracked. It could only be of interest to the industry jackals who revel in recrimination and finger pointing. It’s time to forget it and move on.

Friday, 5 February 2010

As you hear the damning collection of stories this week about the societal breakdown of the UK (John Terry, Avron Grant, MPs’ expenses, Chilcot Inquiry etc etc) have you stood back, looked at yourself in the mirror and asked the question: am I part of this? Have I contributed to this? This week, the Begg household was shaken to the core whilst talking about the ban on wearing pyjamas at Tesco in Cardiff. One of my daughters casually revealed that it had been her local shop when she was at university in Cardiff and that when she visited it, she more often wore pyjamas than not. She said the whole of Wales does that. Eh? What? This was a crisis. I summoned my wife from the West Wing to discuss where we’d gone wrong as parents. I mean, I remember arriving unannounced at her flat once to find her in a Welsh rugby top. I’d been worried about that, but I’d taken the view that it could have been much worse! But this? We’re still in shock, and her sisters won’t go out in the street. This weekend we’re going to a social event in London which will include watching the England v Wales rugby match. Welshie from Defra will be there. I wonder if she’ll be wearing her pyjamas?

In a week of shocks, I went to Belfast. The staff at my hotel were having their Christmas party. What a topsy turvy world. I’d gone there for dinner with Roary, erstwhile Scots MEP George Lyon. Now Roary has found himself as rapporteur of the EU Parliament’s Agriculture Committee and he’s writing the Parliament’s post EU budget CAP reform paper - the most important paper affecting the future of European dairy farmers for years. But in one of my Terry Pratchett moments I had forgotten that in a previous life Roary had been the President of the Scottish NFU. He spotted me as soon as he came into the room, came straight over and said, “Hey, you still owe me a quid for a bet we had on an Old Firm match in 1998”. I had to cough up, leaving me unable to buy any drinks for the rest of the evening. I thought to myself, this is the right man to look after the EU budget – every pound’s a prisoner. I must make sure Roary never meets Roger Evans, the Dairy UK Treasurer.

Now, I’ve always believed that the farmer and the cowman should be friends. You know, territory folk should stick together, territory folk should all be pals. Right? Well yes, until it comes to sharing out the spoils in the EU budget, and then it’s er, tricky! Should there be less money or should the member states be made to chip in. Should it be shifted to rural development or should it stay with the single farm payment. If it does, should the money go to active or inactive farmers, big or small, old or young? Should the payments be area-based or historic? Should it all be agreed centrally or delegated to member states to decide, or even to regions of member states? Should it be spent on food production or on the environment? And above all, should the SFP be weighted as it is now to the big boys club, which includes France, Germany, the Netherlands and the UK, or should it go to the new member states in the east? This is what the new EU Commissioner Mr Cioloş (from Romania) allegedly wants. The farmers at the dinner were a bit worried about that. On a per hectare basis, Northern Ireland is one of the biggest recipients of the SFP. They don’t want Roary to be doing things to please the new Commissioner.

But the CAP reform paper post-EU budget, I mean how complicated can that be? Roary will undoubtedly need a sharp pencil. If I was him, I’d go for simplicity – just like Henry Longhurst, who once reduced the complexities of golf to a few words “Put the ball in front of your feet, wiggle about until you’re comfortable, then hit it”. I’d start with two basic principles. First, the CAP is there to provide an economic return to dairy farmers. Second, the prime reason for the countryside is the production of food. After that, everything falls into place.

The priority for the EU dairy farmer is to survive the market volatility which is the downside of deregulation. So, forget about fancy risk management tools and go for intervention at the bottom of the market, and the sensible use of intervention stocks at the top. This will instil stability which in turn will build up confidence and help investment planning. As a buy low, sell high system, it shouldn’t affect the SFP, as in theory such it could earn money for the EU, or at least be close to budget neutral over any price cycle. And when you’re forming the soup queue, Roary, put the active farmers at the front, and the young ones in speedy boarding. But above all, don’t show your hand too early. I remember talking to big Franz Fischler, who was the Commissioner who delivered the Agenda 2000 deal. The Agenda 2000 reform was supposed to smooth the way for a WTO deal, and he wanted to decouple everything from everything in advance. I said to him, “Why not wait and give it away during the WTO talks? That way you won’t give away too much.” He said, “Because they’ll never be another CAP reform after this. There will be no political will to do it again. So I have to do it now.” Thanks, Franz. I trust your new career as a racing tipster is going well. So, anticipate nothing in advance from the budget talks, Roary.

Friday 29 January 2010

At Dairy UK we are never too proud to take the world’s best practice and implement it “chez nous”. Moreover, innovation is our driving motivation. So this week we’ve decided to move on from our ritualistic “Celtic Huddle” which starts each day at the office. Instead we’re going to adopt Andy Murray’s full jawed guttural primal scream. Ed Komorowski trailblazed our new policy at the Dairy UK Johne’s disease meeting this week, and I’m told it went well, with only the nice lady from the NFU perhaps feeling a little threatened. Look out for more of this at meetings attended by Dairy UK staff in future. It’s the new means of identifying winners.

I missed the Johne’s meeting, having been delayed on my return from the highly successful DairyCo pre-board meeting dinner. DairyCo have to be applauded for inviting a gaggle of noted industry heroes and villains (depending on your perspective) to join them for supper. Was there a sub-plot? If so, I couldn’t detect it, and an atmosphere of gregarious bonhomie prevailed. I only hope the board meeting itself the next day was as successful. I suggested to the DairyCo Chairman that in situations where pre-board meetings are successful, he should simply scrap the meeting and instead issue the minutes of the dinner. His face said “great idea”... his lips uttered something about ministerial accountability.

The one downside from the dinner was that the Dairy UK Chairman had had to send apologies, having been struck down by a “bug”. In considering the source of the bug he had narrowed it down to two possibilities –being fed haggis and neeps at the Dairy UK Board meeting or his three-day charity cycle ride in scorching heat on the banks of the River Nile. I mean, I ask you. Which is more likely? Nevertheless, I want to thank all the nice men from Environmental Health at the Food Standards Agency for eventually eliminating us from their inquiries. No, it was no trouble at all, and it was nice to spend a day watching firsthand how you go about these things!

I’m off to Brussels next week for a couple of days to see how my EU friends are doing. This is more or less my first visit back for a few months, having previously been occasionally dispirited by what I would describe as “vision issues” with some in the grey corridors of Euro power. And to be honest, I’ve been quite happy to satisfy my appetite for Belgian waffles from the kiosk at Baker Street station. In the past, indeed for virtually my entire working involvement with Europe, the UK has been disregarded, nay shunned in Brussels. They take our money, and give us lip service in return. That’s because even after EU entry we continued to defend our traditional British systems and were slow to succumb to European ideals – even though, frankly, in my view, we should have.

Now the tide has turned completely. It seems to me that all the innovation – welcome and unwelcome – is coming from the UK and infiltrating Brussels and its apparatchiks. In addressing the challenges of product reformulation, nutrition, food safety and above all, environment, it seems to me now that we are setting the scene, and leading the legislation of the future. It is they, not us, who want to stick to the past. I know this from the responses I get internationally to this newsletter, which is passed round with the top right hand corner messages attached – watch this with care. And I know it when I hear that my EU trade association colleagues want to respond directly to UK government consultations. Of course, at government level there is still a bit to go. Defra’s approach to the CAP of extreme liberalisation recently found support from only four other countries over question of the €300m handout to dairy farmers – with 21 opposed. But later on, when the big issues come forward, we’ll see how that changes.

So I’m going back to Brussels next week ever hopeful of a positive dialogue. If it materialises, one of Andy’s primal screams will resonate around the Grande Place. In French of course, in case they don’t understand me.

Friday 22 January 2010

My grateful thanks to Fergus the Green for maintaining the sustainability of this column while I was off whistling in the Canaries. Did you know that there is an island there called Gomera where all communication is done by whistling? I decided to introduce the concept this week at Dairy UK. The Queen Bee was delighted. No stranger to flattering whistles, she says she’s at last starting to understand what we’re all going on about.

My only observation on the Canarian dairy industry is that you pay the same price for a pint of milk as you do for a pint of beer. In UK terms, wouldn’t that put a smile on the faces of our hard pressed farmers if they were receiving their share of £3.50 a pint instead of 31p per pint or so from our supermarkets.

While I was away loafing, three major events caught my eye. The FSA activity on liquid milk; the announcement of the candidates for the NFU office bearers; and the return of that great Scottish philosopher, Rab C Nesbitt to British television. I wondered which would have the most profound impact on the future of the British dairy industry. The significance of Rab is that this column is modelled totally on his style and charm - string vest and all: superficially amusing but deep, penetrating, controversial and full of social comment... Right! I recommend it totally as a modus operandi for the candidates in the NFU elections. They might well not agree with you, but they’ll always remember you! The best wishes of Dairy UK go to the dairy candidates in these elections next month. Whatever the outcome, it’s crucial for the spirit of co-operation to be re-established. We are collectively weaker for its absence.

The FSA announcements on liquid milk, promoting enthusiastically the consumption of lower-fat milks (and 1% in particular), came as no surprise to me because we’ve been working closely on this with the FSA in the Dairy Partnership. It won’t have surprised the regular reader of this column either, because I’ve been predicting the future of the UK liquid milk market for months and months. I just hope that the smaller dairy businesses, especially the BMBs, are listening and preparing for the future appropriately. Dairy UK, of course, publicly supported these developments, but this has drawn some criticism from our colleagues overseas who believe that anything other than support for traditional products challenges the integrity of dairy! I respect these views, in particular for the sustenance of a natural image for milk, but the greater need is for the overall profitability of the industry and to have our Government advising consumers to drink more milk and not to cut milk consumption. And on this occasion, mercifully this is what happened. The rest is down to the skills of communication.

Next week I am looking forward to welcoming Farm Minister Jim Fitzpatrick to the Dairy UK Board meeting, where he will have the pleasure of  haggis and neeps on the lunch menu to celebrate Burns Night. I am also eagerly anticipating dinner with my friends at the DairyCo Board in Stoneleigh, where, of course, as you would expect, I hope to pass the evening advising them how to spend their money wisely. I’m good at that. I learned the trick from my wife. As a precaution, I have asked to sit next to the Dairy UK Chairman who will also be a guest. Just to make sure that he tastes the food first!

Friday 15 January 2010

With the Director General’s pencil nowhere in sight this week, I thought I’d take the opportunity to hijack the blog and turn it a shade of green. But how to start? Google trends reckons that the weather is the top story of the week, with “weather forecast” and “snow” also making it into the top 10; so the British as predictable as ever. As were the media who threatened to create a panic with stories of empty shelves across the country, all using the same image of the one supermarket that had forgotten to restock. But the industry was quick to respond.

As Wednesday rolled on, I got my first taste of snow with at least an inch covering the pavement outside my flat, not to worry I managed to battle in against the odds and made it to the office on time, despite London’s best efforts to grind to a halt. Wednesday also saw what appears to be becoming standard government practice of adopting opposition policies, with the announcement that it will proceed with the creation of an Ombudsman in February.

I have spent a lot of my week preparing responses to calls to eat less dairy on environmental and nutritional grounds. The battle lines have been well and truly drawn on nutrition and the environment, with messages like reduced your meat and dairy consumption to save the planet and yourself at the same time. We need to act against these messages. We have a product we can be proud of, a nutrient dense food and a major source of many nutrients in the UK diet. Simply substituting dairy products, with high protein alternatives such as soy based products would not replace the array of nutrient provided by dairy products. It might be possible to consume other foods as replacements, but not as efficiently as with dairy products. For example, to get the same calcium benefit from a glass of milk you would have to eat 1kg of spinach, and this would not contain the protein.

As the week draws to a close, the FSA launch their messaging on the Sat Fat campaign in an overcrowded room at Aviation House. Far from being an assault on dairy, it appears to be a constructive campaign – in part the result of the partnership we have been fostering. Now the FSA has launched into country origin labelling; more on this to come I think.

So for me, it’s off to Stoneleigh to meet our friends at DairyCo to foster another partnership on carbon footprinting. As I sit here on the train, I can now see what everyone has been talking about; a positively wintery scene. As Jim ended his blog with a prediction, perhaps I should do the same; but maybe not, as I wrote in my Milk Industry article this week, the last of my predictions to be published was that 2009 would be the year that water would knock carbon off the front page. Although there were trickles of news, it was not quite the downpour I had forecast. It will be big in 2010, I promise. Fergus the Green over and out.

Friday, 8 January 2010

‘Take me back, take me back again where heather hills are high. To the land of lochs and glens and silver seas...’ Where did you celebrate the New Year? I went to the world famous Edinburgh Street Party. You might consider that to be madness, and you’d have been right. Arriving ticketless as usual, I was nevertheless standing 10 yards in front of the stage as Madness, the old Camden rockers, went “One Step Beyond”, under the blue moon, with Edinburgh Castle as the backdrop. Madness has now been knocking out the same words to the same music for 30 years. As I listened I thought to myself ‘that’s a bit like being on the [censored] Committee [Editorial veto –come on Jim, this’ll never get by the lawyers. What about your New Year resolutions then?] – without of course the music.

It was a truly Christmas-card setting with the snow genuinely “deep and crisp and even”, save for the odd empty can of Tennent’s. Underfoot, we walked solidly on Scottish grit, made from salt – true grit in other words. As I crunched along, I wondered if this is what the salt that the FSA made us take out of our cheese is now used for. And, by the way, if you’ve wondered where all the gritters have been during this cold snap, I can tell you they are all on holiday in Edinburgh – teams of them creating traffic jams on the Murrayfield Road.

Five days later, madness continued to provide the prevailing theme as I watched the House of Commons Select Committee query Andrew Cooksey, Rob Knight and Philip Moodie, formerly of Dairy Farmers of Britain. This session had been pre-billed as a sequel to Silence of the Lambs, but, while the Committee Chairman Michael Jack is a highly respected politician, on this particular day as a forensic interrogator he was not quite in the Columbo class. I suspect that Hannibal Lecter might have taken a different approach. His Committee colleagues couldn’t help. Their questions were often prefaced with “I’m not an expert, but...” The replies, on the other hand were all of a “Well, it’s just as well that I am, then, because...” nature. Before long, the DFoB team were controlling the agenda with consummate professionalism, and after 2½ hours, the committee ran out of time. They never got near the key questions surrounding the close of the business, or on the lessons to be learned, and I sensed that they didn’t really want to hear those. I think it’s time to call a halt to this unnecessary blame fest. Other than as an exercise in exorcism, its purpose can only have been to discover whether the milk co-ops have structural issues or have difficulty raising capital. No evidence whatsoever has been presented on that front, and while you could argue that this conclusion in itself is enough to justify the inquiry, it’s now time to call it a day and move on. After the hearing I called quota guru Mr P for a reaction. I found him skiing with some Scottish pals in Val d'Isère. I mused that at least he’d have someone to buy the drinks. I asked him what Val d'Isère was like. He said “slippery”. For Mr P maybe, but not, I thought, for the surefooted DFoB officials in the Select Committee.

Finally, the year did not start well for Environment Secretary Hilary Benn. His visionary Food 2030 policy document, generally acclaimed by all and sundry, was rapidly swept off the news bulletins by the spat which followed the Conservative statement supporting a supermarket ombudsman. What a pity, because the Food 2030 report palpably demonstrates that in addressing the issues the current Government considers to be important, the dairy industry is well ahead of the curve. So, I feel, as a result, Defra did not respond to vocal pressure which urged them to recommend cutting down dairy consumption. But we must be ever alert to this threat. In this country, the much respected WWF has strong views on dairy consumption. I should tell you that in other parts of the world, such as in the US, the WWF take a completely opposite position. But here we expect them to release a report later this month calling for a savage reduction in dairy consumption. We must rigorously defend against such views, but with hard evidence. And Dairy UK is working continuously on a global basis to generate this. Although Defra won’t be swayed by the WWF, their arguments will be exposed to our consumers, and we must be ready for a public debate.

But you know, what kind of person would try and predict what the world will be like in 20 years time anyway? Well, here’s my shot. This week Darren Ferguson, son of Sir Alex, became manager of Preston North End. I confidently predict that by 2030, PNE will have won 11 Premier Leagues, two Champions Leagues, five FA Cups and two World Club Championships. I’ll leave you the phone number of my nursing home so that you can ring to congratulate me if I’m right!

Wednesday 23 December

The Director General's pencil is completely worn out this week. It all started on Monday as he circled the office, notepad in hand, recording everybody's Christmas wishes. Mesmerised by the agility he displayed as he pranced and leapt from desk to desk like a spinning top, I asked Curly what was going on. ‘It's a seasonal tradition,’ he said. ‘Think of a Christmas wish and Jim'll fix it.’ Oh ho, I thought, here's an opportunity. As I watched Fergus the Green receive his environmentally friendly abacus - a must for calculating carbon offsets, and Curly open his shiny new editorial scalpel, I waited. Finally, it was my turn. ‘Jim,’ I said, ‘I want to deliver the Queen's Christmas message.’ ‘Done,’ he replied. I should have known as he left my office with a big smile on his face that there wouldn't be a TV crew involved. When I arrived at my desk this morning to find a new pen and a note from Curly saying the deadline for writing the blog was 12.30 today - it all became clear.

You might be wondering what the Director General is doing while I’m writing his blog. Well, as you'll know if you're a regular reader, he’s just a pussy cat, so I suppose it’s only natural he’d feel the need to go on the prowl. At the last sighting he was seen, hands overflowing with bundles of mistletoe, running towards the NFU's offices singing, "’tis the season to be jolly". I'm not sure what that's all about, but at least I now know what to buy him for Christmas - a shiny new pencil so he can get back to writing his own blog next week!

In the meantime, I’m grateful for the opportunity to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year and to exercise my right to reply. Those of you who are regular readers know me well. My exploits are a regular feature and I feel truly honoured to receive so many column inches - even when they’re of the not-so-flattering kind. For those of you that were hoping I’d take the opportunity to answer all the questions that come my way about the life of the Director General as heard through the thin walls of Dairy UK, I’m afraid I have to disappoint. Wild horses couldn’t drag that information out of me. Although I must say that I now realise how naïve I was in thinking that when I finished my PhD many years ago, my time in education had come to end!!!

I feel sure you’ll forgive me, though. After all, what woman given a pen and a blank sheet of paper and surrounded by fairy lights and singing reindeer wouldn’t take the opportunity to talk about something close to her heart? As Christmas and the New Year get closer I’ve spent some time thinking about what 2009 has brought The Dairy Council and what our future might hold. It’s fair to say we at The Dairy Council have had a very good year. Highlights include: the move to Baker Street, which has made life a lot livelier and given us the freedom us to open our doors to new opportunities; successful events including Dairy Through the Ages, the 50th Anniversary of the Christmas Cheeses and our Milk and Sport conference; enhanced our international activity including establishing an alliance with the National Dairy Council in Ireland, and successfully won EU funding for Milk in Action – a campaign starting in April 2010. All in all, a very good year and one that could have been much less fruitful and certainly less fun without the support and encouragement of all of the readers of the Director General’s blog – and indeed the Director General himself.

From the lofty heights of the hive, I have cast a Queen Bee’s eye into the future (just the one - the other was still smarting from walking into the communal Christmas tree earlier today). For sure there are challenges for the industry. Health claims legislation is the obvious one. It will affect all of our work and yours too. The media fallout as claims are rejected due to procedural issues in Brussels will not be pretty, and we must be mindful of how we will look to the consumer. Challenges from anti-dairy and special interest groups will continue. Just as nutrition and regulation began walking hand in hand a couple of years ago and are now inextricably linked, so too will nutrition and environmental issues. None the less, I see a bright future. We produce good quality nutrient rich products, outward facing promotional efforts will start this year both by the MMF and The Dairy Council, and we will look for every opportunity to promote the benefits of dairy.

If you remember nothing else in the next year, I would urge you to remember the Queen’s Christmas message – dairy is good for you.

As for the Director General, news just in is that nerves have taken hold and he’s trying to take back his Christmas blog. Forget it Jim: even if you start running now you’ll never be back from Stoneleigh before this goes to print!!

Friday 18 December

This week Dairy UK has been decking the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la, la la la la. But as I write I’m also listening sadly to Terry Wogan’s last programme on BBC Radio 2. Twenty-seven years of spreading joy, happiness and optimism. In my view his contribution in this capacity is matched only by Sir Alex Ferguson.

Terry in his last show was in a reflective mode. I wondered if I should be the same in this blog. It would help if Curly could make up his mind if this was the last Dairy UK news of the year or not. But the poor lad is worn out. As a new homeowner, he’s finding out a lot of things for the first time like gas bills, and the price of central heating spare parts etc, and it’s shaken him to the core. At the Dairy UK communal Christmas card signing this week (no we’ve not and never will surrender to email cards), we had to find him some inspiration. He’s in charge of adding all the kisses to the cards, you see, and the ink in his (DairyCo) pen had run out just by signing the Women’s Food and Farming Union card alone. I can’t find him in the office today. I hope he’s having a good rest.

Joining in our Christmas celebration this week - and it was an absolute pleasure to see them - were Cannon and Ball, DairyCo’s version of Jedward. We’d only booked them for one afternoon, but we seemed to have them here for most of the week talking about school milk. On inquiry I’m told that they refused to leave until the mistletoe appeared on our Christmas tree. Phew! What an oversight. Once that was sorted they were on their way, sleigh bells jingling in the snow. With a fair wind, they should be home for Christmas. I’ll return to the issue of school milk in future.

Although it’s Christmas, I noticed that the generosity of spirit which Terry pleaded for this morning has unfortunately not extended to the Liberal Party in the shape of Mr Tim Farron. He is once again in slamming, damning and blasting mode; this time about the Rural Payments Agency. It’s almost as if he’s suggesting the RPA staff set out each day to deliberately cock everything up. So I say peace and goodwill to him and to all the other commentators who feels that things will improve by using the media to condemn people who are trying to do things in their interests. If we ever talk about doing that at Dairy UK, we always have a look in the mirror first. Our positive stance on most situations reflects reality not aspirations, and it is to our credit. But it’s also the area for which we’ve been most criticised. In one of the relentless reviews of the year I’ve been asked to do for various journals, I was asked: ‘why are you so positive?’ My answer was simply that I don’t want the industry image to be dominated by its unhappiest people.

If this is the last Dairy UK News of the year (and more certainty on that should be forthcoming because Curly has now re-appeared looking more like the abominable snowman and having had his train cancelled by the weather. (Get yourself a team of reindeer and a sleigh, Curly. To the best of my knowledge Santa never relied on British Rail, and my carrots had always been nibbled on Christmas morning), then my tribute of the year goes to the Dairy UK staff. It’s not just the ones you see in London. It’s our regional team, the trolley repatriation guys, our people in Scotland and Northern Ireland, and all our publications, media and legal advisors. Well done to all of them they deserve it. I’ve watched boys turn in to men in our office this year steered and cajoled by rock solid veterans. In particular the output on farming issues has leapt ahead, culminating at the year end in our most successful and meaningful conference ever on Johne’s Disease. This will result in real action next year and we still continue to co-operate with forward-looking farming organisations such as DairyCo and the RABDF to address the issue.

And then there’s The Dairy Council. So often the victims of playful teasing in this column, but finishing the year with a grant from the European Union to further the interests of the British dairy industry. It’s a fantastic effort - an extra slice of Christmas pudding for the Queen Bee and her team at the Christmas lunch.

I’ll have to start thinking now about Christmas presents. What can I get the Dairy UK Chairman. I see that the highest selling male and female musicians in the UK this year are Paolo Nutini and Susan Boyle. Do you think he would like that? Well no, me neither. In that case it’ll have be a replica of the Black Watch tartan suit that little Joe McElderry wore to seal victory in the X Factor. Touch of class, eh? Job done.

Friday 11 December

The perennial dilemma for a lobbyist is whether you win more with a clenched fist or with a velvet glove. The choice of style is always deliberate for a lobbyist. It should never be a personality thing. This week I sat within the hallowed portals of DG-Agri and watched EU farmer after farmer crucify... well, let’s say, lambast, an EU Commission official. His crime had been to explain the rationale behind the Commission’s €300m hardship gift, which the farmers will probably be able to use to buy their chocolate bunnies next Easter. The Commission official might have expected the farmers to have said, erm, thank you. Instead, he got a load of snash. Eventually he snapped. “My officials work 12 hours a day in your interests,” he said. “More than 90% of the money we pay now comes straight to you, and not through an intermediary. There are 500 million EU taxpayers who would be interested now in what’s coming out of your mouths!” Phew! Later on I met him in the corridor. I offered him a tranquilliser, but he settled for a calming Proud of Dairy badge.

At Dairy UK, we’ve used a variety of styles over the years to get our point across. Always, the subject is discussed in advance and a decision taken. Seldom is there universal agreement. The terriers amongst us want to go for the jugular using the media. The scientists and intellectuals want “the correct” approach and cannot stomach us praising our targets when we know for sure that they are scientifically wrong. For them, there is only one solution. And then there’re the pussycats. They always want to cuddle. I,  as you would expect, always lead the pussycat faction at Dairy UK, and I’ll remain in this position until all the awkward soothsayers bandits and charlatans that we sometimes deal with see it our way (purr, purr) When the pussycats win an argument at Dairy UK, the scientists and intellectuals shudder, and the eyes of the terriers scream “wimp”.

So please consider me in pussycat mode as you read the rest of this blog. I wonder whose bright idea it was to unveil a cut in the Climate Change Levy discount that businesses can claim from the Government during the week of the Copenhagen Climate Change Conference. Our man, Fergus the Green, in Copenhagen for the summit, is now called Fergus the Purple. The stimulus to UK dairy companies from this tax concession has seen them reduce carbon emissions by 130,000 tonnes, while world leading dairy plants are built. So, if the Government wants this to continue, this is wholly the wrong signal. Today, clearly linked to the agricultural debate in Copenhagen, we have the Sustainable Development Commission calling pointedly for reduced dairy consumption. Their report displays a bias that we have come to associate with the City University. Of course we will challenge it but we must do so with science and information, which we are building up progressively. I don’t believe the Government will heed this report. They have demonstrated in the past ultra caution when very similar work from City University is promoted to them, but we must keep the flow of information going. I urge those of you who are sitting out there with unpublished research – and you know who you are – to get the information into the public domain as quickly as possible. Otherwise, the City Universities of this world could win.

The Wiseman Neighbourhood Shop of the Year Award was a subdued affair this year. That is the official company line and I am authorised to deliver it. All we had to entertain us were choirs, a gaggle of water nymphs, a Las Vegas street artist, a talking cow, a flotilla of pipers, a cacophony  of fireworks, a recreation of the “American in Paris” film set, and a cluster of  performing nuns. That’s all, and absolutely nothing else. On the night, the generous audience collected £45,000 for charity and for me, a new unsung hero emerged.

The Great Scot’s Bar in the Cameron House Hotel on the banks of Loch Lomond has a truly evocative atmosphere; it’s steeped in history and it’s where the “Boozegate Affair” involving the Scottish national football team took place. But in truth, it’s so busy that a man can almost die of thirst while waiting to be served. They say that cometh the hour, cometh the man, so step forward this week’s winner of the J Begg “Life is All About Timing” award: Charlie Faulkner of RWD. He swooped down from a packed throng like a condor from the High Andes just at that second when the barmaid looked up to dismiss and reject her next victim. Moments later, the combined leadership of the Dairy UK/Dairy Council and PTF had satisfied smiles on their faces. You can’t buy talent like that. A winner for sure!

Friday 4 December

This week, Food Minister Jim Fitzpatrick tightened his grip on the Dairy Supply Chain Forum, rattling through the agenda with Churchillian efficiency. Ominously, I thought, he advanced the date of the next meeting from next June (ie post-election) to next March (pre-election). This shows either a lack of confidence in Labour’s prospects or sound political determination to register his legacy with the industry. The legacy will have to have been created in approximately 7 months but that should be no problem for a Scot. Look what Susan Boyle has done in around 5 minutes.

Anyway, everyone was in buoyant mood, reflecting the season of the year. In the spirit of things, those who usually wear angry face masks had tried to take them off. Only one or two had discovered they are actually welded on. An enlightened contribution came from the retail sector, who complained about the succession outlook for farmers. What was she saying? Was she suggesting that some farmers were over the hill? As I glanced across the room at the almost cherubic faces of my farmer colleagues, all I could see was the springboard for a positive future. The retailers also said they had a problem with graduate recruitment. I was forced to challenge this." If you want high quality graduate trainees, come round to my house", I said. "You’ll find stacks of them that I paid for, all having showers with my hot water and all leaving my food at the side of their plates - I’d be happy to pass them on to you". However the serious point she was making was not lost on me or the meeting. The food industry needs a more attractive image to ensure high quality succession.

The next day saw another triumph for the Queen Bee, her advisors and the cheese industry at the Royal Hospital in Chelsea. Have a look yourself on YouTube or at tinyurl.com/xmascheese. Global press coverage flowed from this prestigious event in the Christmas calendar. The Great Alexander Chair of The Dairy Council was masterful in his assembly oration - a great tribute to a man more noted for consuming cheese than producing it. A misprint in the instructions had led him to believe that it was the Ceremony of the Christmas Knees, not cheese, so he had worn a Celtic skirt, which prevented his photograph from appearing in the Gulf Times. He validated this by claiming that his mother had told him he had good legs. ‘Yes,’ I thought, ‘you can always rely on your mother to tell you the truth!’

The one acrimonious point came at the lunch. I was proud and honoured to have been asked to compile and present the Cheese Quiz. I thought it could be the start of something big. However, after the event, I was summarily dismissed by the Queen Bee for making the questions too hard. On reflection, I suppose she was right. I mean, imagine asking the cognoscenti of the cheese industry to recognise a picture of Wallace from Wallace and Gromit, or to unscramble the letters “hcddera” to form the word cheddar. Anyway, I was hauled off to the Tower in chains and that was the end of it.

Happily, I was released in time to chair the Dairy UK seminar on Johne’s disease, where Defra announced that 34.7% of UK herds were affected. Most experts were relieved at this, thinking that the size of the challenge would be greater. What encouraged me was that there is already a vast amount being done to take on this disease, which wastes both cattle and margins. It all just needs bringing together, and that’s what Dairy UK intends to do.

The seminar also produced my quote of the week, again from that endless production house of one-line quips, Roger Evans, Chairman of the UK Dairy Farmers’ Forum. “I admit that I’ve got Johne’s disease on my farm”, he said. “And that’s the nearest I’ll ever get to coming out!”

Friday 27 November

What a crazy week it’s been at Dairy UK, but you get them, don't you. There was an unhelpful report in The Lancet telling people to cut back on dairy foods, as a means of saving the planet. There’s been more complaints from DairyCo about the Blog (they can’t be serious, and they know it just makes me worse). And of course, we’ve had the strange and very public intervention from the Parliamentary Standards Committee into the activities of one of our former Chairmen. As a countervailing spirit-raising measure, I’ve instructed that we commence immediately with the erection of the Dairy UK Christmas tree in the office. I like Christmas and in my opinion, you can’t start preparing early enough, especially, if as is forecast, the winter starts to bite early. In these circumstances, there is nothing more heartening than to roast your chestnuts at an open fire.

I've missed most of the excitement in the office this week because I've been on a men-only golf break in sunny Portugal. Now, I’ve never been on a golf jaunt like this before but I’ve heard about them, and I just assumed that like the rest, this trip would be totally bogus. So when we got to Gatwick, I fully expected that we would deposit the golf clubs in the left luggage and then I’d find out what we were really doing. But it soon became clear that it was actually going to happen. Somehow as I boarded the plane, I had an air of anti-climax.

However, in this Blackberry age, even Portugal wasn’t far enough to protect me from what most people now view in retrospect as a comical confusion of reactions from different Government departments to the report in The Lancet. In there, it was suggested that cutting livestock production by 30% in the UK could help slow climate change. In the finest tradition of knee-jerk reactions, the Department of Health waded in with support for this view. Later, following a more balanced reflection, Defra condemned the report and its findings for its over-simplicity. Commentators, including the BBC, laughed at the Government’s haplessness, but it wasn’t so funny from an industry point of view. I fear that both in the lead up to Copenhagen and afterwards we are going to see more and more of this headline-grabbing nonsense. However, the good news is that after much hard work, the dairy industry now has the clear facts at its disposal to counter these allegations. So we must make sure that we lose no opportunity in communicating to everyone who will listen.

Next week I’m looking forward to persuading Defra at the Dairy Supply Chain Forum that the dairy agenda is much wider and longer term than the narrow confines of the EU Commission’s High Level Group. We also have our completely sold-out London seminar on Johnes’s disease, at which we hope to show leadership on behalf of the farming sector in addressing this important issue. We now know for sure that the Defra survey results will be reported at the seminar. It should be well worth attending.

However, the highlight of the week could well be The Dairy Council’s Ceremony of the Christmas Cheeses at The Royal Hospital in Chelsea. This is the 50th anniversary of the Ceremony and it promises to be the most spectacular ever. The Queen Bee has asked me to compile and present The Cheese Knowledge Quiz at the lunch. This is a real honour, although I know she’s only asked me because she doesn’t want me to be involved as a contestant. I’m a previous winner, you see, and whilst I agree with her that it was unfortunate that I found the questions inadvertently left behind on the photocopier, I do not apologise for reading them. I mean, what’s a man to do? I thought it was one of our Business Briefs. Anyway, as a reward to regular readers of this column, I’m going to give you this year’s answers in advance. They are yes, yes, no, yes, and no. All you’ll have to do on the day is put them in the right order. And a final clue – I hope it isn’t all too much of a Blur!

Friday 20 November

A visit to Scotland is an absolute tonic. I thoroughly recommend it to everyone. I think it’s because all the hills are made of tablet, and all the rivers are made of whisky. And of course, as you know, Scots have an enlightened philosophy on nutrition. This is that unlimited calories in any meal can be 100% neutralised if the meal is accompanied by a glass of diet Irn-Bru. Yes, while normal people are trying to diet, the Scots are usually dying to try it.

AgriScot this week fully embodied this joi de vivre. AgriScot is a Scottish cow show held in November, normally with the specific objective of turning everyone who attends into a brass monkey. But this year everyone was glowing, almost cherubic. The DairyCo Board had gathered there in their multitudes to join in the bonhomie. Is this why the DairyCo stand is always the biggest? Anyway this gave me another opportunity to advise, guide and cajole them on how to spend their money in future. I’m good at that, and I see from their facial expressions how much they welcome my advice. But guys, I warn you; I don’t know how much longer I can keep giving you the monopoly of good ideas on catch up. I have to spread these things around, you know.

But what is it that is engendering this positive progressive spirit amongst Scottish farmers’? I mean it’s not as though the NFUS are famous for overdosing on happy pills, is it? Has Thierry Henri had a hand in this? (Ed note: He had to get this in somewhere, so it might as well be here). No, I detect an encouraging change at the top. Young James McLaren of Crieff, very impressive President of the NFUS, was positively eulogising at the Agriscot conference about the contribution of the SNP Government to Scottish agriculture. And sitting next to him as he spoke was the equally impressive SNP Government in the form of Roseanna Cunningham, the Environment Minister. She delivered a comprehensive summary of “hand in the pocket” measures that she had implemented to advance the structure of Scottish agriculture – including support at Campbeltown no less. She deserves to be praised, because it is indeed a very impressive list. So impressive, that I wish the food authorities in England were driven by the SNP. Why not I wonder?

But James, what’s going on? Are you going soft? It is a rarity for the flesh to receive such gratuitous adulation from the thorn. And did I hear you say on environment, that you believed it was likely that nothing would come out of Copenhagen, but you would still lead forward Scottish farmers’ anyway? This is great stuff. Your association with Dairy UK is paying great dividends. If you go on like this you’ll eventually make it to the DairyCo Board.

Anyway, it was with a light step that made my way to the main event at Agriscot - the judging of the slimming competition. It seems that six Scottish giants of agriculture had spent the summer forgoing Forfar Bridies in aid of charity. The judging took place in the cattle ring next to a group of Ayrshire coos. Now, I accept that I have no right to criticise, but as I gazed over the parade ring, I was initially confused over which were the entrants to the slimming contest and which were looking to have rosettes pinned to their ears. Let’s face it: few in Scotland are ever required to spell or pronounce the word svelte.

The dairy challenge was lead by our own Alexander the Great, Chair of The Dairy Council. At the last minute he tried to engage me as his manager. But I was no help. He told me he had lost two stones. Hmm, I thought, he must have been having trouble with his gall bladder. He asked me what more he could do to win. I said shave off your moustache. Every little helps. Regrettably, he declined. In the end he lost the competition by a whisker! Aye, you’re never too old to learn!

Friday 13 November

This week we say adios to three giants of the dairy industry: Colin Smith, Richard Davies, and Alice. Alice? Alice? Who the heck (NB: Company Secretary edit) is Alice, I hear you say. Well, for the past few months, Dairy UK staff have been living next door to Alice in Baker Street. You’ll sometimes miss her if you visit the office, because her public profile is often camouflaged behind an enormous pile of nutrition textbooks, often reaching to the ceiling. You only know she’s been there because you can see the packets of biscuits she keeps on top of the pile of textbooks tied up with elastic bands progressively diminish. As her name suggests, this mighty atom has been the lynch pin, the lucky thread, the glue which holds things tightly together at The Dairy Council. Dr Alice Cotter BSc, H Dip Ed, PhD. RNutr from Oirland is off to pastures new. We wish her well, and we look forward to getting our window ledges back.

Colin and Richard are of course respectively the Chairman of Assured Food Standards and its dairy satellite Assured Dairy Foods. These two deserve gold medals because what they’ve achieved has been against all odds. Farmers’, wisely or unwisely do not like farm assurance. Marketers don’t like generic brands. The use of the term ‘British’, popular that it is, still doesn’t cut it with the clever people who advise me on these matters (unlike the terms Scotch or Welsh). And of course the Red Tractor doesn’t yet deliver the scale of market premium that had been hoped for, largely because there is not enough marketing spend. Yet despite all this, the logo is now on £10bn of food sold in the UK and dairy is by far the dominant chunk of that – I reckon about 40%. That’s incredible. It’s almost as much as my wife seems to spend on kitchens. The Red Tractor should have gone the way of all those other generic logos we’ve seen, but instead it has flourished. That in my view is down largely to these two guys. I know them both well. They’re of a type. They get their sleeves rolled up and get stuck into the issues when they arise. And crucially, they allow the highly capable staff at ADF to get on with their jobs; and they protect them from the phalanx of advisors, representatives and committee men who at AFS now make up a significant army. If the new Chairman at AFS has a challenge it will be to stick to this mantra. With AHDB now providing the promotional funds, I can see legions of marketing ‘experts’ from all the sectors all wanting a say. There is a risk that the new Marketing Committee becomes an elaborate version of the oompah oompah bird. Believe me I’ve seen it happen.

Finally, as you all know, the big problem with Board meetings of the Seven Dwarfs is that there’s only ever one of them happy. So it will be, I fear, at the next meeting of the Dairy Supply Chain Forum which is Food Minister Jim Fitzpatrick’s communications channel with the industry. It will be dominated by the discussions in Brussels in the High Level Group. The HLG has been created as a result of political pressure from the French, who want to solve the problems created by their milk pricing system by imposing it on the rest of the EU. So the best civil servants in each member state have all been hauled in to try and deliver a political fudge that will push milk pricing back off their desks. The HLG cannot deliver on the French aspirations without crippling the principles of a free market which is what the Commission, the UK Government, and virtually all the farmers’ organisations in this country and elsewhere all want. If prices continue to rise the result may turn out to be a political irrelevance. That was probably the calculation of Mariann Fischer Boel in giving it nine months to work out recommendations.

Food Minister Jim Fitzpatrick for all we know may only have six months left in office to make a significant mark! Does he want to be tied up with a political irrelevance? Of course not, so in my view the DSCF should be looking at food security. Why? Because it poses our greatest risk! Despite the fact that everyone talks about it, few people in the dairy industry can see that yet. That’s because it’s an ill defined concept which allows people to bring a whole range of issues and interlinked topics together to make it excessively complicated. And of course it’s a global issue so it’s impossible for people to see how it affects them in their small neck of the woods.

We’ve unravelled it all at Dairy UK. In a nutshell, unless we start to examine the food security issue in a serious way now, the world demand for protein in future will be satisfied from sources other than dairy. That’s the same demand that we’re relying on for the future prosperity of our industry. If that’s not more important than mollifying the French, I don’t know what is. I’ll be trying to persuade people about this when the DSCF meeting comes along. I’ll let you know how I get on.

Friday, 6 November

Three of my close colleagues had birthdays last week. The 50-year old celebrated hers with joy, gusto and relish. The two 32-year olds thought it was the end of their world, or worse, the end of their youth! Unfortunately for the kids, perception and not reality conditions the way you feel. The whole thing brought home to me the difficulties of communicating across age gaps (other than through music). Take young Curly for example. This week one of our members described something we are developing as like “something out of the 60s”. Now would you take that as a criticism or a compliment? I interpreted the comment as meaning “dated”, or “old fashioned”. Young Curly wasn’t alive in the 60s. He viewed it as retro cool! 

Last week was the 15th anniversary of deregulation, and I did an interview with the Farmers’ Weekly. I brought Curly in to listen to the history lesson. He sat there open mouthed listening, trying to work out if the MMBs had been a force for good or evil. Consider it in these terms Curly. What is the difference between the MMBs and a pot of yogurt? The yogurt has an active culture!

This week has been a very, very good week for Dairy UK. Our positive media penetration rating has reached a record level. The Board enjoyed an extremely positive interchange with Conservative Shadow Defra Secretary, Nick Herbert. We had our budget approved and further key areas of structural development nodded through. The Board also approved a recommendation that Fergus the Green should henceforth be renamed Fergus the Stick Insect.

In contrast, it was another very bad week for scientists. Wadgie, the FSA Chief Scientist, was forced to extend his blog to two pages in a “backs against the wall” defence of the Agency’s salt policy against attacks from other scientists. Two pages? That’s an awful lot of words for a Spurs fan! Then of course there was the sacking of Professor Nutt and resignations from the Government’s Advisory Committee on drugs. So the key question here is: should Governments be forced to pay heed to independent scientists?

Well, let’s look at this scientifically. Professor Nutt (on drugs) says, “I do this for nothing; I’m an independent expert; I’ve got an independent panel, so you, the Government should listen”. Wadgie, who is the Government, on the other hand, (on salt), says, “I am Wadgie, the great god of science at the FSA, I am an expert too, and my views are backed up by 200 of my independent mates and I’ve got an independent advisory panel too, and they agree with me, and not the independent experts who are criticising us”.

But what Wadgie and Professor Nutt both know is that scientists do disagree and that gives politicians easy room to manoeuvre. But more significantly, for us in the dairy industry, although the independent scientific advisors do it for nothing, they are all attached to scientific institutes who rely on Government research grants for their survival. So if you don’t tow the political line with your independent scientific advice... etc, etc.

That’s why for me, Professor Nutt’s intervention should be applauded, but doubtlessly by now realism is penetrating his inner senses. It’s also why I’d like Wadgie (who by the way for the avoidance of any doubt, is on all fronts a top cookie... that is for a Spurs fan), to reflect in his next blog on his scientific definition of “independent”. I’d also like him to consider a question posed to me by the scientist who sits through the wall from me. If you cross a Queen Bee with a Friesian bull, do you get a land of milk and honey? The Lord’s my Shepherd.

Friday, 30 October

Phew! I’ve just come in from the sweltering heat of London’s Indian autumn. The London pavement cafes are doing record business. I saw an altercation because one girl had misdirected her Ambre Solaire spray in the direction of her neighbour’s capaccino. What’s going on? I had dinner in Scotland this week with The Great Alexander, the Dairy Council Chairman. He turned up in full tennis gear. Then he ordered a Pimms No 1 with his pakora.  Crivens, I didn’t know where to look. I consulted my personal climate change advisor Fergus the Green. He told me to get my Hawaiian shirts back out the cupboard for next week. “I’ll lend you mine. They don’t fit me any more”, he beamed.

I will certainly take his advice, and encourage others to do so as we gather in London on Thursday at the party of the year for the retiring doyen of British trade associations, Richard Macdonald. The great Dickie Mac is as close as it gets to being indispensable, and holds the enormous respect of his peers and his funders. Did you know, that the Beggs and Macdonalds are in the same clan? I like to think that’s what gave him his edge. I wish him well for the future

It was a great relief to everyone that on the issue of his successor, the white smoke emerged from the NFU chimney before Richard’s farewell hooley. Leaking sieves being what they are, the name of his successor was a surprise to few. All Stoneleigh bookies had stopped taking bets on Kevin Roberts weeks ago. No wonder. This man is rock solid. His only discernible weakness is that he’s a ‘lifelong West Bromich Albion fan’. Oh well, I suppose blood’s thicker than water. The surprise, if any, was why he chose to leave the AHDB. In that role, he had enough money to buy West Brom........and all their opponents.

It couldn’t have been easy for him there. As everyone knows, it is much harder to spend money than to earn it. It must have been hell wandering around the ‘cash in’ loading bays at the AHDB, watching the white vans  full of five pound  notes roll up relentlessly, day after day, piling up in storerooms. Then marching over to the ‘goods out’ bay to watch the queues of consultants, academics, experts and scientists snaking its way back round the NFU building, hands out, eyes gleaming. I’ve been there myself, hoping for the caviar and champagne, but often happy to settle for the potato soup. Honestly, it would bring a tear to a glass eye!

So it is with every good wish that I hope he settles in quickly to his new office in the NFU executive wing. As he looks out the window watching the brand spanking new space-age AHDB building that he commissioned rise higher and higher, I wonder if he’ll think that one of his priorities will be to stop it eventually blocking out his light.

I remember when I took over at the IDF, a previous incumbent in the position told me “Make all your changes in the first three months. After that, the bastards will grind you down.” The other approach, of course, is to do nothing but watch for three months until you can read the whites of their eyes. And until you are absolutely certain who ‘they’ are. I’m sure he’ll want my advice on this, don’t you agree? My predecessor at the IDF was right.

The role of Director General at the NFU is an absolutely vital one for farmers. More so now than ever, because farming politics have changed. There was a time when the NFU summoned the Minister of Agriculture, not the other way round. However a number of factors, not the least of which was the arrival of the EU and the diminution of the national Government relative to the European Commission has contributed to that. But whereas then, the only voice of farming was the NFU, Ministers now appoint their own external advisors, and several of them have been very successful, notably Sir Don Curry, a previous Chairman of Dairy UK. Moreover, with modern communication vehicles being used more widely by farmers, getting an alternative message across is not too difficult. So, for example in the dairy sector who would challenge the view that columnists such as Ian Potter are now influential in representing dairy farmer views?

So welcome, Mr Roberts to the new world of political lobbying. You will certainly listen to your constituents, but above all you will have to lead them, very often in directions they don’t want to go. If you don’t believe me, just ask the farming publications who wrestle with this on a weekly basis. And that will be the test. Critics may occasionally pose the question are the usurpers, who may in time include his own successor at the AHDB, more powerful now than the NFU? You have to put the answer to that question in absolutely no doubt. I’ll help you of course. You only have to ask.

Friday, 23 October

Anyone who has ever accompanied the Queen Bee to dinner at a Chinese restaurant will know of her aversion to chopsticks. I’ve seen her take 15 minutes to transfer a single Singapore noodle from her plate, to an area quite close to her mouth. “Practice makes perfect,” I keep telling her, but to no avail. Not of course that I can claim any superiority in the area of food transfer skills. As someone from a generation who takes refuge in the “Blue Harbour” school of couturial sophistication, I would never now tackle a spaghetti bolognaise or a risotto without a Sou’wester and a full set of oilskins. So it was with some trepidation that each of us this week advanced towards the finger buffet at the 30th anniversary birthday party of the Women’s Food and Farming Union.

It was indeed a gala occasion: a glittering celebration of farming’s feistiest womanhood, ready to be called into action at the drop of a hat to defend the economic status of the countryside. The Dunkirk spirit bristled throughout the room. As I watched the Queen Bee launch an attack on a mini pickled onion with a cocktail stick, I realised that I would have 20 minutes or so to reflect on the opinions of the guest speaker at the lunch, the venerable Tory Peer, John Selborne.

Lord Selborne was characteristically genteel in his delivery, but razor sharp in his message. “I want to tell you about the massive responsibility that society will demand of farmers in future,” he said. The global need for food would be huge, and farmers would have to produce it. They would have to do so using less water and land than they do now. If animals were involved, they must be protected, and farmers must be prepared to bear the cost of disease. And above all, they must not increase the environmental pollution of the atmosphere. Farmers would be responsible for preserving nature and the sustainability of the species, its plants and its insects. The ladies of the WFU were rapt in attention.

As I listened, I thought, ‘right - no challenge there, then!’ I thought back to comments I’d heard earlier in the day by Farm Minister Jim Fitzpatrick. Speaking about the new €300 million package for dairy farmers announced this week by the EU Commission, he had said that the UK would, "not support anything that takes us backwards to a regime of heavy market support for inefficient dairy producers at the expense of taxpayers and consumers". Fair enough, but what I want to know is  how exactly does society expect farmers to deliver on this gargantuan task, broadly similar in scale to that  taken on by Adam in the book of Genesis. Who exactly is going to take on this colossal role?

Ultimately of course Adam was required to sacrifice a rib to help him make progress. And of course from that simple beginning eventually emerged... the Women’s Food Farming Union. Frankly, that’s who I’d give the job to. They have a determination that does not understand the concept of failure. The word ‘spirit’ is imprinted on every forehead. At the lunch, we saw a video of the history of the WFU including interviews with the founders from 30 years ago. In essence, the organisation had started to take on the big rural issues because men were hopeless and the NFU just talked and smoked cigars. There were interviews with the founders’ husbands. Their eyes reflected delight that the wives’ attentions would be anywhere rather than on them. But as the video moved on, and with ‘There’ll always be an England’ playing in the background, the atmosphere became more charged. I swear that if the champagne bottle had come round the room once more, knuckles would have been cracked, faces blackened, and the battle plans laid.

The solution to the challenges set out by Lord Selborne is of course the re-engagement of the food producer with the scientific researcher. It’s in research that the money must urgently be spent. But if this light still needs switching on, I’d happily talk to the WFU. In my view, any one of them could proudly take their place in the Rangers midfield... But that’s another story.

Friday, 16 October

As all of you know, I have absolutely no ego. That can be a blessing. This week I addressed the British Mastitis Conference, In fact, I opened the conference with the first presentation. A man in the audience, in asking me a question, introduced himself as Mr Anonymous from Nowhere. I smiled, and thought, ‘it’s nice to meet the neighbours’. The very next day I was at the posh Guild of Agricultural Journalists’ lunch in London. I sat next to a sparkling, attractive, young journalist who wants to remain anonymous. Don’t ask me for details, but our conversation got onto the subject of teat dipping. She said to me, “Oh, I was at the British Mastitis Conference yesterday, you’d have really enjoyed it!”

The BMC do was the second time I have addressed a conference on mastitis this year. Actually, it’s the second time in 37 years, to be truthful. The first was as the NMC in Charlotte, North Carolina, in January, where I gave the keynote address. So I now consider myself one of the leading British experts (no ego, see?). I have one single message to farmers. Mastitis, I believe, reduces the productive capacity of the industry by around 10%. So, 10% of the milk price of around 24p per litre; for a herd producing one million litres per year, that’s around £26,000 extra lolly in the farmers’ pocket which no wicked milk processor or retailer can touch. So, go to it lads. Get out the scrubbing brush, and then order a new tractor!

When I got back from the BMC I went straight to the DFoB Select Committee Inquiry. What is the point of this exercise? Is it to rake out and publicise every possible flaw or weakness in the British dairy industry? Who exactly is it designed to help? It happened to be the NFU that was giving evidence, but, frankly, that was irrelevant. The Select Committee pummelled the NFU for explanations as to why DFoB collapsed and then relentlessly crucified them when they offered little more than the PricewaterhouseCoopers’ report as an explanation. How in God’s name are they supposed to know the reasons? They weren’t in the room when the key decisions were taken. They didn’t buy the assets or contribute to the business plans. They weren’t on the board. How could they or anyone possibly know the truth if they weren’t directly involved?

To their credit, the NFU didn’t wilt under questioning, but once the Committee gave up on seeking explanations, the rest was a ritual of hobbyhorses from both witnesses and Committee members. Meaningful and relevant enough to those making the points, sure, but little to do with DFoB. We’ll have to wait and see whether any real lessons emerge from these sessions. Some of the affected members also gave evidence - with genuine compassion. Not only had they lost money, but their conviction in the model had been severely damaged. Why do we have these blame fests? Is it to allow for the exorcism of consciences? Will it help those who lost money? I doubt it. I don’t blame the Committee either. It’s the system. If you give MPs a platform, they’re going to exploit it. And they may feel they’re foing this in farmers’ interests.

Let’s move on, build and prosper. And leave the MPs to talk amongst themselves... preferably about expenses!

My new ego-deflating journalist friend won a prize in the Guild’s raffle. It was described as a John Deere ‘model machine’. She brought it proudly back to the table and I said: “You’re like all farmers. As soon as the market turns round you go and get yourself a new tractor.” But her eyes were gleaming. She’d just sorted out a Christmas present for her little nephew.

Friday, 9 October

I’m writing this in Bratislava. Where is Bratislava? Exactly! You have absolutely no idea, do you? I asked the hotel receptionist here if she had heard of Bristol. She said, Rovers or City? In the UK we know nothing about Europe but they know all about us, and in dairy markets knowledge is power.

My Bratislava hotel is hosting two competing events this week. One is the European Dairy Association Board meeting, the other is the World Dog Championships. I discovered that a friendly ‘woof’ to the doorman can gain you access to both events. I clearly have that ‘top dog’ look about me. The hotel bar has been affectionately christened The Pound. This makes the pooch owners comfortable but it’s appropriate in my view because the seats in the bar give you that sinking feeling. Look, when you stay in the sort of hotels that I stay in, you get accustomed to seeing lots of dogs around. But I must confess the memory of queuing up for breakfast behind a poodle, three pekinese and a brace of strident dachshunds will stay with me forever.

Two things are baffling the dairy cognoscenti who are gathered here this week. First, whether the protests by dairy farmers, pouring milk over the streets in Brussels and the like, are actually having a meaningful impact in any sense. And second, what in heaven’s name is going on in the butterfat market? Isn’t butterfat the stuff we are supposed to be reducing our consumption of? So why are private stock rooms now empty? Well, I think the dairy farmer protests did have an impact. I was in Brussels on Monday fighting for the interests of the British dairy industry, and I got stuck for more than an hour in the darkness of the ring road tunnel. Frustrating, yes, but on this occasion I don’t think I was the target. A more discernable impact is that this form of protest may well be making it politically difficult for the European Commission to do things which actually help.

Take the aforementioned butterfat market, for example. Consumers in Asia are still munching away merrily in increasing volumes and stocks, as I say, are low. Now we know from 2007 what happens when stocks are wiped out. Panic sets in, and prices go through the roof. Fine, you might think, but what also happens is that customers substitute dairy with non-dairy alternatives, and never come back. Prices tumble, despair sets in, and away we go again. Now, at this point, some might argue that the bigger picture approach would be for the Commission to slowly release their intervention stocks onto the market to generate a slower, deeper, longer lasting lift to prices. But politically, of course, it’s impossible for the Commission to act while dairy farmers are pouring milk on the streets.

And it’s not just the butterfat market. Our fine EU Agriculture Commissioner Mariann Fischer Boel is about to retire and has thrown a legacy to EU milk producers in the form of a High Level Group which will examine all the things that farmers want see happen. This includes margins in the supply chain, producer contracts, transparency and some extras. Many are cynical about this HLG and call it an empty gesture designed to divert farmers away from clamouring for the retention of quotas. But for sure these issues are now on the agenda. They are about the balance of supply and demand in the post-quota environment and the industry needs to sit up and take notice. And European farmers need to reflect on whether through their actions these Commission activities just stay political, or get turned into positive outcomes.

Finally, I am continuing my ongoing dialogue with the Dairy UK Chairman on the relative contributions made by the English and the Scots to poetry, culture, and The Arts. To champion the case for England, the Chairman has proffered Rudyard Kipling. On behalf of Scotland I have put forward... Paulo Nutini. I think by any definition, that’s a pretty close contest. But I’m encouraged by the fact that while we know without fear of contradiction the totality of what Kipling has to offer, Nutini is still in scintillating productive form, but my coup de grace will be conclusive and it is this. To the best of my knowledge Rudyard Kipling never played the “moothie”. Game over.

Friday 2 October

Malthusian Pete and I were wandering aimlessly around the streets of Brussels this week, killing time while waiting for the accursed Eurostar. I hate that train with a vengeance. It really narks me that it’s now cheaper, more convenient, more comfortable, quicker, safer and better for the environment than the plane. What a curse. I also hate the tunnels it goes through – all strategically placed to disrupt important mobile phone calls. I often wonder how many business deals/proposals of marriage/sports commentaries etc get blown apart at a sensitive stage of development because of the tunnels.

The truth of it actually is that we weren’t walking around the streets of Brussels at all. We were in a bar. Malthusian tells me that we shouldn’t keep telling people that we’re in bars because it’s bad for our image. I explained to him that many of my great personal triumphs over the years have occurred in bars and that I consider them to be places of inspiration and solemnity. Not to mention of course that I’d observed Malthusian himself on many occasions in bars paying tribute to the patron saint of English manhood, Lagericus. If I had any influence on anything at all, I’d move the whole Dairy UK office to “The Beehive” across the road, and save on the rent and rates. But it might eventually come to that, so I’d better move on.

Malthusian and I were discussing risk management tools and price volatility. I’m pretty sure now that these will be of great interest and value to some people, particularly those operating more in commodity markets. However, these tools will not on any account remove volatility from the market. Indeed, to be successful, markets need price volatility for futures systems to work. For sure, I think our interests are best served by having markets which do not favour a flourishing trade in risk management tools, This means stable markets with an intervention base, and a focus by the industry on having as little milk in commodity markets as possible. Thus said, at the level of the farm gate, there are some intriguing possibilities to contemplate. I wonder if dairy companies would be interested in a scenario which said ok Mr Supplying Farmer, I think I’ll be able to pay you say 25p for the next two years. But it might turn out to be 35p or it might be 15p. So I’ll pay you 22p guaranteed, and I’ll take the rest of the risk? Are you interested? No-one does that in the world yet. Do you think we’ll be the first?

Having sorted that out, Malthusian was updating me that the Belgian Consumer Association had complained to the competition authorities about the deal which saw supermarkets, farmers and Government collectively agree to raise the farm gate milk price in a scheme administered by their RPA and paid out through the processors. ‘What a surprise’, I thought. No sooner were the words out of Malthusian’s mouth, than up rolled Tintin, my Belgian processor mate. After reprimanding him for being in bars during working hours, I gently teased them that they couldn’t afford to buy drinks because they’d need all their money to pay the fines if the consumers were successful.

“No, no, no”, he said. First, it had to be proved that consumers had suffered, and that would be impossible. “Alas”, I said, “that’s the easy part.” You simply phone up one of the PTJs (Price Transmission Judges) around of which Zigma or Z for short is the undisputed king. You give him loads of euros and he puts all the figures into a machine, not unlike the one which chooses the lottery numbers, and out come pages and pages of equations, quotations and formulae. Then, after a few minutes, a bell rings and the word ‘GUILTY’ comes up in neon lights. Z then phones up the Belgian tax office and says, “Right guys, hold the VAT calculations until I sort out how much I’m going to fine the dairies!” Tintin smirked and repeated what he’d told me when I met him at the Nantwich Show. He said this is supposed to be a positive thing for farmers, and processors were simply not involved. Sorry, Tintin, the morals of the issue don’t come into it. It’s only the application of a set of rules - just like the guy in the UK who lost his licence when he edged past a red light to let an ambulance through. So if this goes the distance, I just hope the Belgians have listened to the advice of Rudyard Kipling viz before entering any battle the first thing to do is plan your exit.

Malthusian motioned to me that “he could hear the train a-comin”. I thought, from two kilometres away? Eh? I must introduce Malthusian to milder lagers. We left Tintin to ponder. I heard him shouting for Stella, but I don’t think that was the name of the barmaid.

Friday 25 September

I spent two hours last week going round in circles with Welshie from Defra. Just two hours I hear you say? I know, but I have to admit that it was a pleasurable experience. We were in that glass bee hive thingy that sits on top of the Reichstag building in Berlin, where you go up and down, round the outside in a continuous loop. The journey up and down only took 15 minutes, but the building has a central column with 360 mirrors, so the other 1 hour 45 minutes was spent waiting for Welshie to decide which was the right one to brush her hair in front of. The building has a pie- funnel like top, open to the elements. “That’ll be to let all the hot air out”, said Welshie, whose true identity cannot of course be revealed for security reasons.... that’s social security reasons.

The time spent waiting for the coiffure to be perfected allowed me to reflect on what I’d learned at the IDF World Dairy Summit. It had started controversially. With German dairy farmers elsewhere pouring milk on their fields in protests at low milk prices, the a capella band hired for the opening ceremony began their performance with the spectacularly inappropriate “Happy days are here again”. Clearly aware, however, that the first conference speaker was from the European Commission, they followed this up with “You, you’re driving me crazy”. That’s better, I thought.

Meanwhile, I had been distracted by an enquiry from the conference Chairman, my mate, Eckhart. He was searching for the keynote speaker, Barry - currently Australia’s biggest cheese. Nine slides of Barry’s 12-slide presentation were blank, and the other three were pictures of half-naked women. ‘Yip, that sounds like Barry’, I thought. I was only surprised there were no pictures of motorbikes. All was revealed - quite literally, soon after. Barry, an unapologetic defender of free markets, had named the ladies Subsidy, Protection, and Market and graphically illustrated the evils of the first two, coupled with the virtues of the third. Welshie later confided in me that she had been initially confused because Protection had “nicer eyes” (if you see what I mean), than Market. I asked Wan Hung Lo, a Korean friend of mine, what he thought the message was from the presentation. “Things go better with half naked ladies,” he replied. I’ve booked Barry to give his next presentation in Northern Ireland.

The beauty of global hoolies such as the World Dairy Summit is that you can dip into all the dairy disciplines being progressed in the different conference rooms, whilst never being far away from a free chocolate ice cream on a stick. Taken as a whole, my impression is that everywhere, the dairy industry is preparing itself well for the future. I met no ostriches in Berlin. Quite the opposite, in fact. For example, The IDF has grasped the environment portfolio with a vengeance. When I was their President, they would sooner have had their fingernails pulled out with pliers than invest resource in this area. So, I’m pleased that I stuck with it and that a light has suddenly gone on at HQ. The signing of the Global Declaration on Climate Change for dairy is a major step forward and just what’s needed.

On the dairy markets, I’m pretty convinced now that the price cycle, although volatile, will be relentlessly upwards. I am more dubious that risk management tools being discussed will be effective in turning wavy parabolas into straight lines, but my study of this is not yet complete. The short-term dilemma, however, is more complex because the milk price necessary to stimulate growth on dairy farms (perhaps around 30 eurocents per litre) is roughly the same as the price at which non-dairy ingredients become attractive to our customers. This was the problem in 2007/2008, when much business lost at the time of the price spike has still to be recovered.

But it is in the field of nutrition that I feel obligated to continue to vent my frustrations. I have, as you know, been critical of the world’s dairy nutritionists for “under delivering” in an area of crucial importance for the future of the industry. This criticism has much vexed and irritated the Queen Bee, whose defence of the integrity of the science is unremitting. But I realise, now, that these people have taken us forward as far as they can with the woeful lack of resources available to them. If the global dairy industry wants milk to retain its position as a “healthy” product, then it is going to have to up the resource significantly and quickly.

On the Berlin social front, the global bonhomie was effusive. The Gala Dinner was superlatively creative, with a spectacular simulation of the collapse of the Berlin Wall. Not a spot of dust landed in the truffle soufflé. It is a shameful and shallow cop out I know, but I apologise to the legions of fine, young English ladies who had waited patiently to dance with me. Alas, time and EasyJet wait for no man, and I didn’t want to turn back into a pumpkin. Step we gaily!

Friday 18 September

I can’t imagine there’s a more frightening sight anywhere than the clambering masses descending on the Tesco stand at the end of The Dairy Event, to clear the shelves of dairy products. As a veteran of Scottish “scrambles” at weddings, I fully understand why the good Lord gave us elbows. But I mean, come on. The scavengers take everything. I saw one try to carry off Emma, but she wouldn’t fit in his bag. Missing from the stampede regrettably, and this year’s winner of the Dairy UK “Lost in France” award, was Barbie from the WFU. Her husband, who works for the AA, punched an eight instead of a B into the sat nav system and they ended up in Northampton. Whoops!

Barbie, clearly deciding she wouldn’t need the sat nav for the return journey, did, however, get to taste the free beer at the DairyCo stand. Free beer for the people is a tried and tested vote winner, unless of course your stand gets so crowded the punters can’t read the message boards. Alas, it seemed to me that that was indeed the outcome. Amanda, DairyCo’s Head of Issues and Image Management, was inadvertently pushed to the side. Her enquiring glance elicited the response “I was only trying to get the Ball rolling”.

The Dairy Council Board meeting was held at The Dairy Event and this re-engaged me with ebullient Chairman, Alexander the Great. ATG created some initial consternation by insisting that we all stood up for the meeting. Further probing revealed the truth that he had participated in a 55-mile bike ride from Glasgow to Edinburgh, which he claimed he did in “7 – 15”. Now I can certainly verify that it’s around 55 miles from Glasgow to Edinburgh, but no-one had the nerve to ask ATG if his time was seven hours, fifteen minutes, or seven days and fifteen hours. But the clever idea from the bike ride was how the milk being handed out was being vocally marketed by the canvassers as “sports’ milk”. “Get your sports’ milk here”, was the cry, and if you think about it, there is no limit to the functional characteristics which could prefix the word milk, to promote the aspiration of elite performance. “Get your tree felling/limbo dancing/javelin throwing/etc etc milk here”. For the time being, we’ll leave the rest of it to the Viagra marketers.

Taken as a whole, the mood of The Dairy Event, and of the Dairy UK Conference which preceded it, was definitely one of optimism. Reportedly, the farmers were buying machines, and palpably, processors are investing capital in competitiveness-enhancing equipment for the future – most of it in the added-value sector. On our stand, we only got one unhappy farmer, despite clearly the tough time on milk price. The vast majority are now focused on profit growth, through enhanced business performance, and this is excellent. The ostriches are now more or less confined to the Farmers Guardian’s soap box corner, where the limitless pessimistic rhetoric continues to be pedalled mercilessly.

I am writing this blog in Berlin and tomorrow I’ll be giving a presentation to international dairy economists on global industry trends. So I’m “having a look”. Believe me, the UK is preparing for the future much better than most other countries – both inside and outside the EU. In simple terms the greater the exposure to the world market, the greater the uncertainty, and the greater the concern. All of us face volatility, but in the UK, in my view, we are in a better position than most. There was some great information communicated at our conference from real experts and my grateful thanks go to Messrs Jay Waldvogel, Sandy Wilkie, Ian Dudden, Professor Quintin McKellar, Michael Barker, Andy Smith, Mark Allen, Adam Leyland, Fergus McReynolds and Jane King. We have all of it in sound and vision, and if you are a Dairy UK member, you can have it on request. Friends will have to pay.

Finally, my old mucker, Col Willie’s’ presentation, is also available, both unabridged and in a family version. On this note, I have had some complaints, including from the Dairy UK Chairman, about a perception that our conference and dinner were “over Scottishfied”. Help ma boab, I hadn’t noticed it myself. But if the Dairy UK Chairman is unhappy, I have to be concerned. So, next year I guarantee there will be song sheets so that the English can join in the singing. Dinnae fach yirsels, lads, Brits wha hae!

Friday 11 September

The future’s bright, the future’s... purple

Many thanks to all the generous messages I received after that plucky band of Bravehearts exited the World Cup this week, despite clearly scoring a goal which was wrongly ruled out by the ref. So effusive have the messages been that I beat a hasty exit to Northern Ireland. I found the Irish in a spirited mood. We were there to try and unravel a little knot in the development of our policy on milk quotas. Not surprisingly, with their focus very firmly on the next big thing in the world markets, many in the Province want to keep every tool in the box, including quotas... just in case the road to Utopia proves bumpy. When people are in good spirits, solutions are generated quicker and, after a good discussion, I’m sure we’ll find a route to a common policy.

In my absence, Dairy UK had been invaded by Australians. The Aussie dairy industry does more world tours than Status Quo, and they always come to Dairy UK because we’ve got the sharpest ideas for them to steal. As usual, we had assembled a glittering cast of experts to advise them, including the reformation, for one appearance only, of the former NFU double act of Tom and Emma. In a role reversal, the former pupil is now the mistress, and I mean mistress with a capital T. So she took the chair while the rest of the group kneeled on cushions around the floor, which she seemed happy with. Phew! Everyone was spirited. By the time I met them, the Australians were satiated with knowledge. “Just give us some water to take home for the cows, Jim mate, and we’ll be off to Lords”. I thought, “that’s the spirit”. These people are always welcome at Dairy UK.

Earlier in the week, I’d made another failed attempt to penetrate the DairyCo office. I got to the front door, but no further. I’ve now christened the AHDB premises “the Tardis”. You push a button at the front door, and any one of a thousand people emerges. This time, the button generated Cannon and Ball (I bet you wondered where they’d got to, eh? They’re now called Di and Amanda and believe me - they’re just as funny as ever). We flounced off to the Italian-style terrace of the Stoneleigh caff to have a very productive ‘al fresco’ meeting on School Milk. The guys were spirited; so spirited that when were invaded by a swarm of wasps, Cannon and Ball’s solution was to gobble down all four pieces of cake to deprive the insects of their fodder. ‘What a sacrifice,’ I thought. Wonderful. When people are spirited, solutions are generated faster.

Later in the day I watched Derren Brown predict the lottery numbers live on TV. I’ve hired him to help with Dairy UK’s financial planning. Maybe he could also predict the make up of our liquid milk industry in future. But, that’s too easy for a man of his calibre. Milk is going lower fat, without a doubt. I’ve spent a lot of time this week looking at and discussing this issue. You might think we are already a low-fat industry but for 3½ / 1½ / ½, it is soon likely to be 3 / 1 / 0 or something close to it. For a number of reasons, this is good and to be encouraged. However, it’s going to take a lot of planning and preparation if you are selling or marketing liquid milk. So for those of our members in this business, my advice is get thinking about it now. You wouldn’t want to be left behind.

Finally, why is everyone so spirited? Because the dairy markets seem to be a little more optimistic and this makes people spirited. And when people are spirited, solutions come faster. Long may it continue.

Friday 4 September

Roll up, roll up for the greatest show on earth

The Dairy UK Annual Conference and Dinner rolls into town on 15 September. We have scoured the four corners of the globe to deliver a brand new cast of mystical magicians, high wire specialists, prophets and soothsayers who can genuinely see into the future, or give their money back. Right now, they are feverishly polishing their crystal balls in Campbeltown, Chicago, and all points east of the Orient. They will excite and enthral you with their wisdom. You will be able to see them, hear them and touch them. You will become like them. You will understand the future.

In the evening, you will feast on a sumptuous repast of good and healthy food (bring your own salt). It will be a Bacchian extravaganza like you’ve never seen or experienced before. There will be minstrels, jugglers, acrobats, fire eaters and men on a flying trapeze. Everyone will walk on water to get into the room, and sit next to an A-list celebrity. The music will come from the Beatles and Michael Jackson and the climax will be a live rocket launch to the moon. The next morning, you’ll waken up and imagine you must have dreamt it all. But as you head back to your farms, factories and offices you will be inspired to take this great industry of ours forward. And you will recognise that in the world of Dairy UK, everything is possible.

Back on earth, as we move into the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, the Dairy UK Board meeting this was week was bedecked with summer sun tans. And yet after a week in the Dublin rain, it was the Queen Bee who dazzled. Her blinding oratory blew away the post vacation lethargy and inspired the Board into a series of sharply focused policy decisions and action points on health claims, nutrient profiling, and dairy composition. These will be deftly implemented by the team during the autumn. Governments, media, and consumers should now hold their breath in expectation and awe as the pincer movements begin.

We also awaited the publication this week of the WRAP report in Scotland, the highlight of which was to be the fact that 30% of food in Scotland is wasted each year. WRAP had warned us in advance that milk would be highly prominent. When the figures come out, we noted that 30% for all food compared with only 6% for milk. Now, I mean every drop’s a prisoner, but doesn’t that make us the heroes? So Curly highlighted the efforts made by the industry through prudent product development in our press release. I’ve also asked Curly to advise WRAP on how to deal with another little complexity brought out by their survey. Another big waste area appears to be alcohol. Is the message then, stop waste by drinking more? I’m available to help if necessary. Form an orderly queue.

I’m on the road again this week with scheduled visits to Stoneleigh, Droitwich, Taw Valley, Holborn, Belfast, Holborn, Stourton, Holborn, and Baker Street. I’m not sure yet what I’m doing in the afternoons. But you can clearly see the subject area which occupies most of my time these days.

And finally I am indebted to Geoff Platt, erstwhile editor of The Milk Industry who relayed this true apocryphal story to me. In a queue in a motorway cafe, Geoff was asked by a man wearing a dog collar, what his “Proud of Dairy” badge was. He explained that it was a campaign to support milk. Surprised, the man said, “Oh, does milk need support?” Geoff explained that milk had sustained people for centuries but now it was getting a bad press and was under attack from Government. “Ah”, said the man. “Just like the Church of England. Maybe we should have a badge like that too.”

Friday 28 August

Italy is a fantastic country

They get so many things stunningly right (eg Sr Berlusconi’s cabinet, etc). Remarkable things happen in Italy. I was standing amongst the Pompeii ruins when I received a text from our respected colleague Ash Amirahmadi from Arla. Don’t you think it’s incredible to be standing in Pompeii and getting a call from someone called Ash? I took this as a signal and glanced round at Vesuvius. Fortunately no flames were licking around its crusty edges.

Have you ever been to the beautiful Villa Cimbrone in Ravello? The gardens contain pathways called “The Avenue of the Immense.” and the “Terrace of Infinity”. The guide book describes if literally as “heaven on earth”.  Hold on, I thought heaven on earth is how I see Dairy UK. So I’m considering renaming some parts of the office. The main corridor could be Supinity St, my office could be the “Valley of Fulfilment”, and the Dairy Council area could be “The Pool of Enchantment” The Board Room will stay “The William Wallace Room” – you can’t better that. Further suggestions are of course welcome.

What is remarkable is the amount of cheese eaten in Italy. I reckon more than 90% of the meals I ate included cheese – mostly in huge chunky wedges that put shame to the FSA’s recommended portion sizes. And for evening meals on top of the cheese came Parmigiano Reggiano.  I reflected that the EFSA HQ was only up the road in Parma and that is good. At least the officials there must have a real awareness of the importance of cheese to the industry, the country, and to the generation of pleasure. I wonder if there is any space in their office for the FSA?

Back at the helm, I was delighted to see new locks on the sweetie jar at Dairy UK (this after The Dairy Council girls had forced open the old ones). Disappointingly an early arrival at the office led me to discover the Queen Bee munching on a chocolate biscuit at 08.15 a.m. She explained that this was to help her recover from her gyrotronics class.  If I ever find out what that is, I’ll know if it’s a valid justification.

I find that it’s quite revealing to flick through a fortnight’s press clippings at once. You can see clearer trends.  And the thing which struck me most was the way the world’s Governments are now falling over themselves to provide funds for the dairy industry – not subsidies but constructive investments for the future. In particular I confess to reading with green eyes about the new £77million dairy research centre to be established in Melbourne – with a third of the funds from the Government. What an advantage in the fully liberalised dairy markets of the future that is going to give them.

I was so impressed, that I was going to make it the main subject of this blog. But then I saw “The One Programme” on BBC TV. It featured a piece on Health Claims and the work being done by EFSA to validate health and nutrition claims against the scientific evidence available. Our own FSA was there saying how this would help consumers make fairer judgements about claims. At the risk of being designated Father Jim for my preaching on this subject, believe me there is a major procedural flaw in the way in which the science has been submitted to EFSA by national authorities, and the way that EFSA is evaluating the claims, and we in the dairy industry threaten to be victims of this if generic health and nutrition claims on dairy are to be rejected. So we’d better get that message out soon before the finger-pointing about food processors misleading consumers for years which was the clear message from “The One” programme, becomes commonplace .

Sermon over, I return again to the venerable Dairy UK Treasurer Mr Evans for the lightest moment of my trip to Italy. As I complained to him about my wife’s tendency to demand a budget-busting double espresso instead of just asking for a coffee, he said “When I was a young buck in the valleys all of the women I met drank gin and tonic. On the other hand, all my mate’s girlfriends were happy with a half of mild”. The grass is always greener!

Friday 21 August

Short, sharp and to the point

Foreshortened burblings this week, dear readers. In an effort to offset the verbosity of the Dear Leader’s contributions, and lower our carbon footprint, this week’s thoughts are brought to you in bullet points.

• After news that you can get a qualification for boarding a bus, Dairy UK is to launch training for answering the buzzer, safe use of the photocopier and biscuit eating.

• Please come to our conference on 15 September. Please.

• After a good week for Usain Bolt and world sprint records, The Queen Bee and her hive of nutritionists are trying to ascertain whether he drinks milk to repair muscle damage and rehydrate. The real question, though, is could he break the 9-second barrier if he drank a bit more?!

• There are already worrying signs that the Dear Leader has not had a fully relaxing stay in sunny Italy – no doubt brought about in part by temperatures above his native 12 degrees. This does not bode well for Monday morning.

• Now, all eyes back to the Oval, where the Aussies are being taught cricket.

Friday 14 August

'Debate' on food security continues

The Dear Leader is off sampling the delights of British cuisine in foreign parts this week, namely Italy. What with Glasgow making a bid to trademark chicken tikka masala under Europe’s barmy PDO scheme, he’ll have been confined to sampling Italian classics such as fish-and-a-cheeps and Mars bar alla carbonara. Anyway, the minions have been let off the leash this week. Not that you’d have known if you’d visited the anthill that is Dairy UK headquarters.

On Monday came Defra’s ground shaking announcement that it is still planning to talk some more about food security before arriving at any conclusions. Even in the news vacuum that is August, this received a fairly muted response from the papers. Dairy UK has spent the week scouring the announcement for novelty of any kind and has so far drawn a blank.

That didn’t stop some of the more hysterical lobby groups from accusing officials of selling out the planet by not immediately banning meat, dairy and anything else that tastes good. Their argument was based on FAO figures estimating global livestock emissions. Of course, the picture in the UK is different. Flying the two miles to work with Ryanair every morning, dropping off little Petunia for ballet and trucking Chinese-made goods the length and breadth of the land produces 21% of our carbon emissions. Dairy cows are more modest, producing just 1.2%. A letter to this effect has been despatched (electronically, of course) by Fergus the Green.

Meanwhile, the phones continue to ring off the hook with concerned local TV producers asking for interviews on the plight of the dairy industry. One of them got the idea that the UK milk market was being undermined by Polish imports, and the ‘news’ spread like wildfire. Curly, aka Cap’n Birdseye, has spent much of the week putting the kybosh on such nonsense. After all, everyone knows that the flow of vehicles is generally one way between the UK and Eastern Europe. And it tends to be BMWs rather than Volvo tankers...

Friday 7 August, 2009

Busy as bees at Dairy UK

We had a crisis at Dairy UK this week, almost requiring a senior managerial intervention. Curly has imposed a new office environmental policy, which limits our electricity use. But this week’s meeting of the Comms Directors used up our entire quota, with the agenda still at ‘minutes of the last meeting’. Now, these guys can blether for England, but it’s money that makes the world go round, so I was tempted to throw the switch and really test the boys’ ability to turn darkness into light. What stopped me was the sight of the Queen Bee on the verge of collapse, induced by the excess of hot air. Cutting the aircon was out, though my fingers stayed itchy and it was a close run thing. Instead, I’m having a sprinkler system installed ahead of the next Comms Group meeting.

It’s been a spectacularly busy week across the board at Dairy UK – in complete contrast to advice once given to me by a colleague, that in July and August the only things which should be on your desk by 9.30am each day are your feet. Fergus the Green has been jousting very successfully in the media with the worryingly misinformed MP Alan Whitehead, on how well the dairy industry is meeting its packaging recycling targets. Edmund has spent most of the week on the floor, overwhelmed with the number of EU and UK institutions that want to provide us with funds to promote our products. And I’ve been wrestling alongside the industry CEOs with our friends at the FSA, as we try to find a way of travelling along the same road to a common destination: removing some of the saturated fat from mainstream dairy products. Meanwhile, Simon has been out recruiting members while I’ve been pushing forward the quality and reputation of Dairy UK in other ways!

But it’s what the Queen Bee and Dr Ed are doing that requires the most priority as the monsoon season progresses. You’ve heard me prattle on before about health claims, and the way by in which the EU Commission decides whether the science justifies the claim. Their evaluation process has been shambolic and displays all the scientific rigour of a Uri Geller spoon-bending session. Now, it’s not the fault of EFSA (European Food Safety Authority). They’ve had the difficulty of their jobs intensified by national governments who have merged the claims to make them simpler. But as we know from our work on traffic lights: science and simplification are enemies of each other, not friends.

Either way, the dairy industry will be the losers and come September, when we anticipate the first batch of rejected dairy claims, the ‘antis’ will be screaming from the rooftops telling Government ‘I told you so’. As an industry, we must get our arguments out there early. By the time the leaves are falling to the ground in autumn, it’ll be too late.

Friday 31 July, 2009

From Pussy Cat Dolls to market intervention

Much criticism has been volleyed at me because this week I attended a Pussy Cat Dolls concert. The fact that it took place no more than a decent three wood away from my house has not impressed the musical cognoscenti in the office, including Curly and Fergus the Green. In fact, I found it an enlightening and inspiring experience - a bit like a Dairy Council staff meeting, but with rhythm. Enlightening, that is, apart from the relentless, unremitting, torrential bloody rain. Cow shows are of course not immune from rain either and again this week, visitors to the Nantwich show rushed for cover into the cheese tent. There they cleared out a year’s worth of material and stock from the joint Dairy UK/Dairy Council/British Cheese Board stand. What with all the rain, I’ve changed my holiday plans at short notice from Stonehaven to Sorrento, while Fergus the Green has been instructed to sort out the Climate Change issue by the time I get back.

Nantwich now claims to be the biggest cheese show in the world - 2,665 entries I believe, with exhibitors in the cheese tent pressed breathlessly against the sides of the marquee to accommodate the cheese. In the middle of all this, I found Tintin, a Belgian processor friend of mine who appraised me on progress with the various market ‘interventions’ by groups of retailers, Governments, and competition authorities in Belgium, Germany, France and now it seems, Spain. Gesticulating wildly, Tintin screamed, “zese people will do anysing to get ze farmers off ze streets”, adding, “Ah don’t care; ah’m just ze messenger – eet iz nuhsing to do wiz me”.

Oh really, I thought, making a mental note to send him a copy of the OFT Annual Report. Because it’s a training manual for the future, I carry the Commission’s 22 July policy paper with me everywhere. I even read it in the bath. It says two things quite clearly - first, ‘that competition law plays a key role in maintaining a level playing field’ (para 10.2). Second, ‘competition authorities at EU and national level should remain vigilant and effectively co-operate with a view to addressing any potential anti-competitive practices which affect dairy markets’ (para 10 intro). So, boys, go to it. Mariann has spoken - she wants a level playing field and so do we. We cannot reasonably approach the future where the ongoing profitability of dairy farms and processors in the EU is down to the social conscience of our customers.

Finally, mention the word salty in front of an Aussie, and he’ll immediately dive for cover, because in Queensland it’s a salt water, man-eating crocodile. Mention the same word at Nantwich and you’ll get rapturous applause, because ‘salty’ refers to Alan Salt, this year’s winner of the British Cheese Board’s cheese industry award for lifetime achievement. Well done, Salty; a well-deserved and popular accolade, but take some advice from me - never go to the Gold Coast on holiday. You’ll terrify the locals!

Friday 24 July, 2009

EU dairy policy is now being held together with sticking plaster

What are you doing about Swine Flu? In Dairy UK we heightened our precautions after Fergus the Green revealed that he had got uncomfortably close to a SF victim at an environment meeting. We immediately banned him from kissing anyone in the office. At the insistence of The Dairy Council ladies, we rapidly extended the kissing ban to everyone. Any breach would mean £1 in the charity box we keep for people who type ‘diary’ instead of ‘dairy’. Within five minutes of establishing this red alert, the queen bee became embroiled in a slobbering effusive welcoming reception for two visitors from France. Well, you know what the French are like! Jess, who witnessed the spectacle, reckons the queen bee was in for nine quid minimum. However, seemingly unrepentant, she emerged with a huge smile on her face. So we had to double the fine because the transgression involved foreign bodies. Three days later, Fergus the Green actually went down with the dreaded lurgy, and he was promptly sent home. We have all agreed to his last flailing request issued from the safe distance of the quickly constructed office isolation unit that we will not sing La Marseillaise at the office summer outing, which he will now almost certainly miss.

I escaped the melee by going to The Welsh Show. Now, I would never be disrespectful of Wales or the Welsh, but it seems to me that Wales is a country in two parts – the M4 corridor which is easily accessible, and the rest of it, which is virtually impenetrable without the conviction of an explorer and a Sea King helicopter. I went to the Show the day the heavens opened. It happened to be the 40th anniversary of man’s first landing on the moon, and in my view, the Apollo astronauts had by far the easier journey. It took less time for Neil Armstrong’s feet to touch the Sea of Tranquillity, after he’d parked his spaceship, than it took me to take "one small step for man" out of the glaur of Car Park One South on the Brecon Road.

Once inside, I wallowed around like a hippopotamus (no further comments please) before being deluged by journos looking for comments on the EU Commission’s dairy strategy paper. I was, of course, polite but frankly when I look at the level of resolve behind the Commission’s dairy policy now, I think I’d find more stability in a spinning top. First, they decided to gradually increase milk quotas, but said minimal financial support would be available and that farms should only produce the extra milk if they had an unsubsidised market for it. Then when demand fell, in a complete policy reversal, they brought back refunds and extended intervention support, also declaring that they would put up as much money as was necessary to defend the Intervention price. Now, clearly worried about the cost of all this, they imply that member states should curb the output of their highest producers, even though the country is not over its quota. Heavens above, who is going to be attracted by that option then? This is now a policy, patched up with sticking plaster, and there’ll be more sticking plaster needed yet.

Someone thrust a copy of the NFU press release into my hands. It commended the Commission for "sticking to the plan". Eh? What plan? Come on guys, you’re havin’ a laugh! Won’t this idea penalise your most efficient members who have invested in the future, while potentially farmers in other countries go unscathed, leaving the supply/demand balance unaffected? I met one of those farmers at the Welsh Show. Albeit he was caked in mud, he told me he was running at 100% over his quota, and he was less than enthusiastic about this proposal. I tried to buy him a whisky to calm him down, but he had to settle for a whiskey ‘cos the real stuff wasn’t on sale. The EU Agricultural Commissioner has promised a "soft landing" As far as my Welsh farmer is concerned, she might have achieved this if she’d jumped out from behind a peat stack and pushed him over into the mud. She certainly won’t achieve it with this aspect of her dairy policy.

Finally, I am indebted to the chairman of the Dairy UK Farmers’ Forum, drookit from the relentless rain, for relaying to me this true story from the Welsh hillsides. He clearly thought that I more than most would recognise the sentiment. Two bulls, a young one and an old one stood on a hill eyeing a group of heifers below. The young one said, "Let’s rush down and service one or two". The old one replied, "No, let’s walk down and service them all". Yup, it was a long journey home.

Friday 17 July, 2009

In my view, there is no greater source of sublime sporting pleasure than the British Open Golf Championship. Moreover, in terms of tranquility, drama and utterly breathtaking scenery, Turnberry is the world’s finest sporting location. On a rare mid-week day off, I parked myself in the stand overlooking the ninth green, next to the lighthouse, and overlooking the Isle of Arran and that great lump of granite sticking out of the Firth of Clyde (part of which visitors will find on my desk) called Ailsa Craig. The quality of the grass at Turnberry is staggering. If my front lawn was even as good as the Turnberry rough, I’d be delighted. I briefly reflected that within 24 hours I’d be gone from this idyll, back in Westminster, presenting at the Conservative Partty’s dairy summit. Just as quickly, I eliminated it from my mind. In front of me, Tiger Woods moved through. I nearly missed him because I had been so focused on trying, for the 1000’th time,to figure out the formation of Arran’s legendary Sleeping Warrior. Was Goatfell peak his nose or his knees?

Westminster had been the venue earlier in the week for the passing out parade of Dame Deirdre Hutton, the outgoing Chairman of the Food Standards Agency. Her period of tenure at Aviation House will be viewed as a period of outstanding success – particularly on science, where Dr Wadge, the FSA’s Chief Scientist continues to excel (we’ll soon have to rename him Gulliver because every time you meet him he seems to have grown another foot – in status and in stature). Dame Deirdre’s remarks at her cheerio hooley were as erudite as I’d ever heard her. She palpably and articulately demonstrated that she had delivered. As a lobbyist, you instinctively know when you have established a good relationship with your regulator. Regrettably, I don’t think we ever achieved that with Dame Deirdre – with lots and lots of her staff, yes – but not with her. The contrast in outlook was never about the end point, it was how you got there. It was perhaps encapsulated best by Deirdre herself in her outgoing remarks when she talked about the appointment of a CEO for the FSA with wide food industry experience. The food industry saw this positively as increasing the understanding of the FSA in how to reach a common goal constructively, recognising the commercial realities of the market place. She saw it positively too, but as the food industry no longer able to pull the wool over the FSA’s eyes. But I have no doubt that our lack of rapport was our fault, not hers, and we probably deserved the couple of playful swipes she took at us in her outgoing speech. At Dairy UK In the last couple of years, we’ve changed the way we work with the FSA. I wish we’d done it earlier.

When I got back home from the FSA party, I watched the programme "What’s Really in Our Food" on the telly. This really showed up the difficulties of being a food regulator or custodian of food standards. It was a shocking piece of journalism in which relatively minor (in the great scheme of things) labelling and food authenticity abuses were built up dramatically as if these were the rule rather than the exception. Interviews were conducted with Tim Smith, FSA CEO, and Peter Melchett of the Soil Association, carefully clipped and edited to try and make them look incompetent in their stewardship of the regulations and standards. Now everyone in the food industry knows that these guys are anything but incompetent, but not the innocent British public. And you wouldn’t blame these guys for thinking – I’ll come down heavily on all food manufacturers to make sure that no-one can try to make me look like a twit on TV. Now no abuse of labelling or misrepresentation is acceptable, but I fear that we will in future see bigger and bigger sledgehammers used to crack smaller and smaller nuts. In New South Wales, the responsible Minister has turned the concept of "the public pillory" into a political vote winner. They are forever publishing lists of shame, and prosecuting oyster poachers with a great public fervour The FSA have currently got one of their PR staff on job swap with the NSW authorities. I hope not, but this may be the shape of things to come. From our point of view, we must be squeaky clean. Our products must be absolutely what they purport to be. We should have no fears, and indeed we should encourage clear labelling to show that the food inside our packs come from UK milk.

The exit from Turnberry should always be via the Bolli tent, but in the current climate etc etc. I reflected on the reaction I’d get if I titled it "Bladdered on Boli". I chuckled, but the Tory summit beckoned. Damm it, back to my real world, but what an exhilarating interlude.

Friday 10 July, 2009

And so the Royal Show is no more

Alas, it passed away very quietly, perhaps confirming the judgement of its management committee, for most of whom the end has come as a relief.

I disgraced myself by assuming that just like the last hurrah at the old Wembley, we could all take a piece of the Showground home as a momento. You know, you can take the man out of Glasgow etc... I had my eyes on the patio doors to the NFU pavilion and I was about to quietly dismantle them when I spotted Gwyn Jones in the position of what appeared to me to be doorman. Forgetting for a moment that he’s in election mode, I mistook his charming smile of welcome as approval. However, he was very soon compelled to intervene and I was led away by the friendly stewards before I had the opportunity to take the NFU apart. Further disappointment ensued when I tried to first foot the new DairyCo office, only to find it locked up. Immediate enquiries by text to DairyCo’s Head of Issues and Image Management revealed her to be still in her “hot tub”. She was not, unfortunately, persuaded by the logic of my reasoning that her role was to get DairyCo out of hot water, and not into it!

What then followed was the second of three extended discussions with Henry van der Heyden, Chairman of Fonterra, on a vexed issue, which in fact dominated my week in Brussels, Stoneleigh and London: does the EU need subsidies during the “soft landing” and, indeed, should there be a rethink on the end of the quota regime? Henry is now Sir Henry - a great accolade indeed. He laughed when I reminded him that his most famous predecessor, boxing legend Sir ‘Enery (viz Cooper), had been much celebrated but in the end failed to deliver a knock-out punch. The subsidy issue fits neatly into boxing metaphor as follows.

In the red corner was David Clarke, New Zealand Minister of Agriculture, who told me that there wasn’t a dairy farmer in New Zealand who would welcome a return to subsidies and that de-regulation in New Zealand had driven huge efficiencies into the New Zealand farming system. The vision of Sir Henry himself is that Fonterra’s new auction price system will become the global index around which risk management tools for dairy farmers can be built, thereby addressing the crucial issue of market volatility.

In the blue corner, the European Commission, whose officials said in my hearing, “we will not deviate from the principles of the Health Check (ie quotas are still going) but we will put up as much money as it takes to defend at the intervention price”. Also in the blue corner were some members of the Dairy UK Board, who this week put pressure on Dairy UK’s economic colossus Powerhouse Pete to rethink our support for ending quotas. This has narked the colossus a little, since he’s put his name to several glossy publications, which Curly has expensively chiselled out for him, giving the contrary view. But think again we will, because it’s clear to me that the debate - at one time dead - is resurfacing, and is likely to do so every time this new market volatility heads south. The first step is to set out a detailed synopsis of the extremely articulate reasoning of the ‘protectionists’ and submit this analysis to our UK farming colleagues who are very much in the free market liberal camp. In other words we’ll consult. I’ll keep you informed of the outcome.

Two other events this week should be reported. Chez nous, Fergus the Green’s new wellness programme has left him weak and vulnerable. Curly has exploited this by persuading him to adopt a new internal environment policy for the office...“we must practice what we preach etc, etc”, We’ve got a fairly robust EP which even includes a ban on the use of a second plastic cup to act as a collar for hot drinks. This explains why we’re always getting our fingers burned in Dairy UK. Now Curly wants us all on bikes. So, visitors to the office shouldn’t be alarmed to see us sitting at high desks on exercise bikes all linked to a generator. Curly’s off on holiday next week (under wind power of course); I think he needs the break.

Finally, the latest in the series of iconoclastic gems – from this week’s Milk Advisory Group meeting at the European Commission, “there has been an outbreak of Group 8 Bluetongue disease in Lesbos” – no further comment necessary.

Friday 3 July, 2009

Midsummer madness strikes lethargic Brussels

This week’s blog is being written in Brussels. I'm sitting on a glorious summer's night outside the Mappo Mundo bar near St Katherine's, looking out on the vibrant Brussels street café society. I decide that the crowd around here is getting a bit old for me. Perhaps it's time to move on. I've picked up a magazine but it‟s full of Jacko. I can't understand the obsession about Jacko. No one can remember any more than three of his songs. I'm hacked off because I was bumped off the BBC News last week by Jacko – they said they hoped I'd understand. Well I didn't. A stand up with me and Jimmy, a farmer from Scotland, had been cancelled at the last minute in favour of Jacko. Had it gone ahead, I'd have fulfilled a lifelong ambition to say the words “See you Jimmy” live on television. But it wasn't to be.

The Queen Bee, having realised I'm in Brussels, has sent me an e-mail, saying how much she likes a nice waffle. I reply, “I know, I've just been reading your Board papers!" I guess I'll have to take her back some Leonidas chocolates to apologise. Today Sweden has taken over the Presidency of the European Union so Brussels has gone flat pack. I celebrate with a glass of Sversinghopf and join in a conversation with four Belgians about who the most famous Swede is. I mused that four Belgians talking about the most famous Swede was hilarious. It turned out to be the Smurfs! I suggested that the winner should be awarded a virtual Nobel Prize, but the irony of the Smurfs being more famous than Nobel was lost on them.

I reflected on a good news week in the UK. First Milk had invested in Campbeltown (as soon as you've cleaned up the creamery lads, can you get to work on the rest of Campbeltown?). Kite, increasingly being usurped by Promar as the forward-looking consultancy (wake up Dairy Group), came up with a whole report full of positive vibes, and Jeff Rooker finally edged it as the new Chair of the FSA.
Another e-mail flashes through. It was another dignified “observation” from Jimmy's man in Scotland about something I'd said in the media. Apparently, I'd agreed with someone who'd said something positive. How can I persuade my Scottish friends that we are all on the same side, I wonder?

The next day, I find the EDA Board in lethargic Brussels summer close-down mode. I start singing the old Carole King song “It Might as Well Rain Until September”. I can't believe the apparent indifference of the Board to the fact that it seems dairy health claims are in jeopardy. EFSA looks set to reject the science supporting these claims, having only now made clear their rules for judging it. Heavens above, get angry mes amis. This is serious. But the Board is focused on bureaucratic matters. They are agog with excitement about the decision to add three extra layers to their decision-taking processes involving rafts of new committees, platforms, communication links, management groups and dairy executives shuttling all over Europe. OK, perhaps a little hyperbole on the detail, but not on the thrust. I tried to point out the folly of their ways, but I'm deluged with words like “necessary” and “crucial evolution” and the like. C'est la vie.

Back on the Eurostar I'm completing the write ups on Dairy UK's annual staff appraisals – always a good source of Blog material! This year's iconoclastic gem went as follows, “Last year we agreed that you needed to go on a decision-taking course. Did you?” “No, I took a positive decision not to”. It's good to talk.

Friday 26 June, 2009

Dairy Council's "Summer of Sport" gets under way in Scotland

The Queen Bee has buzzed off to Scotland to launch the new, half-the-price, twice-the-value Dairy Council. Back at the ranch, havoc reigns. An enterprising cross-organisation initiative was suggested in which the ladies of The Dairy Council could fill in any quiet moments in the afternoons by acting as agents to sell the spare roll containers retained in our trolley repatriation service. The idea had to be dropped when Sam, or “Cute and Curly” as he’s now been christened by the ladies of the Women’s Food and Farming Union (who met at the office this week) try to add value by suggesting that the venture could be branded “the trolley dollies”.

Silence reverberated around the office and Curly crept back into his office to unravel the fall out by the latest bombshell dropped by the World Wildlife Fund (WWF), with their report on dairy and the environment – a report issued four months before its peer review process and not without its inaccuracies. It was enough to send Curly for his hair straighteners. The WWF advocate one planet living. Unfortunately it’s not the same planet as the rest of the world inhabits. I spoke to their press officer, who said the report was not against dairy. I said: “why does it advocate a 32% reduction in dairy production then, and why did you call it ‘strategies for reducing meat and dairy consumption?’” What’s in a name, eh?

I went to Scotland via the excellent Food North West dinner in Manchester. I joined the new Dairy Council Board meeting at the cow show in Ingliston. A very good start under the new Chairman, Sandy “overyour” Wilkie’s exemplary leadership. Milk and sport will be The Dairy Council’s mantra for the coming year, with young Olympic hopefuls leading the charge to get kids drinking milk again. As supreme examples of the benefits of linking milk and sport, I offered the services of myself and the Chairman to appear in the publicity photo shots. The offer was politely declined. The photographer said he couldn’t fit us both on the same page. I think he was only trying to be kind.

Friday, 19 June 2009

Was the ignominious end to the FSA’s Commons reception an attempt to save deaths?

The highlight of my week was when George Patterson, much respected but departing CEO of the Food Standards Agency in Scotland, kissed me. I had gone to the FSA reception at the House of Commons. I’d arrived late after a meeting with the DFOB Receiver, right in the middle of the speeches. The focus was on the number of deaths the FSA had saved as a result of their various strategies. I became aware that the next area of attack was Listeria, in the context of how many deaths that causes. I just groaned.

There was a fridge of “bad practice” in the room which everyone was supposed to look at. It happened to be next to where I was standing. On the front was a sticker saying “The killers in the fridge”. Inside, four out of the 10 products on show were dairy. Why is it that everything this body does targets dairy? Alice from The Dairy Council had been at a meeting that day and had been told that the FSA’s new portion size recommendations will start with dairy. Six months later it’s to be cakes and chocolate. For heaven’s sake! Is this the reward we get for being the leading food industry to co-operate with them?

The speeches were still continuing, so, while everyone’s back was turned, I placed a jumbo “Proud of Dairy” sticker inside the fridge. When it was discovered 10 minutes later, all hell broke loose. By then, I had slipped off into the darkness. That’s where I met George saying goodbye to everyone. After me, he kissed Tim Bennett. I guess it was to show no favouritism between farmers and processors.

The reception ended abruptly shortly thereafter. I had just started an interesting conversation with Andrew Wadge, the FSA’s Chief Scientist about Spurs’ prospects for next year, when we were all huckled out the building. I’ve been thrown out of lots of posh pubs before, but never as ignominiously as that. Maybe shorter receptions stop more deaths.

The reception was followed by an unforeseen visit to a bar with a colleague, which turned into an impromptu dinner, with much ribaldry and a very late arrival home. A welcoming party awaited, demanding explanations. Years of previous have taught me to get my defence in first. I said I was feeling a bit under the weather. Perhaps I had swine flu. “You’re right about the swine”, was the reply. Everyone has a boss!

Friday, 12 June 2009

A chance for the new Farming Minister to make it up to me

The week is still being dominated by DFoB fall-out issues. Everyone is doing everything they can to minimise the economic impact for the affected parties. All the dairy companies that I talk to are being fully transparent with Defra and the Receiver, so that allegations of exploitation of DFoB farmers are put in their proper perspective, and the business rationale for acquisitions and rejections of farmers is fully understood. No-one doubts that the major difficulties are still to come, when the problems of “the tail” as the Receiver calls it, become real and urgent.

On his first day at work, Dairy UK spoke to the new Farm Minister Jim Fitzpatrick about DFoB. There’s nothing like starting a new job with a full desk, eh, Jim? Next week Jim will meet the whole dairy industry at the Dairy Supply Chain Forum. I note that he’s about the same age as me and he went to the school next to mine in Glasgow. I presume, therefore, at some time in the past he’s kicked me around a football pitch. Now is his chance to atone.

Friday, 5 June 2009

Farmers the focus after DFoB collapse

Dairy UK this week cancelled all its meetings on Thursday and Friday. These were not insignificant meetings. They included discussions on the future financial structure of Dairy UK, and a specially arranged Strategy meeting in which senior industry figures were travelling to Northern Ireland. Several people lost money on cancelled flights.

The collapse of a major dairy co-op is one of the most damaging circumstances which can hit an industry, both economically and emotionally. In today’s harsh economic climate where industrial closures and redundancies have become commonplace, it’s too easy for events like DFoB to float into and out of the minds quickly with simply a shrug of the shoulders. It hardly warranted a mention in the national media.

But no-one in this office or in the industry underestimates the impact that this will have on individuals affected by this turn of events, particularly the farmers, and irrespective of whether or not it was expected.

Naturally, the Dairy UK meetings took second place as the focus of those scheduled to attend was channelled firmly on sorting out the mess. Of course, there were ongoing commercial implications for each of them to consider. But I know this for sure. Every individual now working to implement an orderly transition, whether for commercial advantage or not, has absolutely uppermost in their mind, the hell that the affected farmers are experiencing, until more certainty is introduced. It is this as much as anything that is driving them forward to secure quick decisions.